yes, i'm trying.

Carol died today, this morning to be exact. For the past few days she's been holding on, only through drugs and ionised blood. We will never see her again. I was never nice too her, i never treated her too fabulously. To be honest, i never liked her. She was iritating. She treated me like a was 10. She brushed my hair because it was knotty, even though it's just curly. I'm never going to recieve another one of her crappy Christmas presents that are completely pointless. Like that weird as fuck glass rooster paper weight.
I never liked her too much, but she was nice. She was a tiny little woman who knew little next to nothing. and she's dead.

hold your tongue, boy. hold onto your breath.

writing's lost all its edge for me. proof is that i rewrote that first sentence three times before finding it 'passable'. words don't flow; they sound stupid. i miss being stoned and letting the sentences of unimportance flow out and away.
i miss. i miss. i miss.
sitting for hours in the dark pouring the day out of my mind, giving meaning to commas and capitals. what a dream it was, seeing as always i could very well convince myself that none of it happened, that it was all a dream.
that is all. that is all. nothing left at all.

i've seen her in a smokey room, the smell of wine and cheep perfume.

i'm trying to tell myself to shut up, and to shut it out. i want myself to know that there's nothing i can do to change it, that i all can do is ignore the things i know. in a way i want to force the words out of my mouth, and to put a control on my life. just for once, maybe. words hardly make it in the air without my body shaking, letting it ink onto microchipped paper is pathetic.
fuck this, everything is ruined.

all the right friends in all the right places.

i wish i could quit.

trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired.

today my alarm didn't work, again, this caused me to miss my bus, and first block. english. school was entirely uneventful, i didn't hold hand with my girlfriend, because she is irrelevant. because i've fallen down this damned hole once again. after school, i missed the bus once again because emily made sure that i would 'say hi' to amelia, and wait for her. i walked home, which wasn't horrible, it gave me time to think, to clear out my mind. i tried to, but i didn't succeed.
amelia is sweet, and she cares. this is something new to me, something i'm not used to. she is new to me, completely unknown. she cares too much, and tries too hard, ironically i've always thought that i wanted this. apparently not. my heart doesn't race when i see her, not even when we kiss. instead i fall far below, searching for a place to hide. i feel like i could trust this girl, if i let her at least.
tia cares, or she says she does atleast. i say that "she says she does," simply because she has so many times before, so many times too many. i've always had strong feelings for her, but i just don't think that's right. too bad for me, though. now that she has become an option, a preferred choice for me, i'm more than willing to go her way, but what if... i don't know what's going on, or if i can trust her. i've told tia that i do, and i really thought i did, but what if... she's hurt me so many times, and i need her to prove it to me, just once, let me know that i'm really worth her time.
maybe i'm not though, which is why i've always been afraid to make her prove it to me.

dirty little girl in her dirty little life

SEXAVERSARY!

what you're lookin for has been here the whole time.

i told my mother i hate her, what kind of child does that?
it's worse because i truly believe that i might.