and tonight i shall fall so far into the past.

Thursday, April 9

I'm sorry
So, so sorry, more than anyone should ever feel. Unless of course you are, say a murderer, or a rapist, but they typically don't feel all that bad. So i suppose i'm feeling sorry for them too. It was harder for me this time. I sat there clutching that horrid object for quite some time before i worked up the nerve. I'm not sure why i did it though. I don't feel the same as i used to, but i'm happy now.
Mum and i got into a bit of a fight... if you could call it that. I figured(d) if you can tell your "bitch" of a daughter to "shut up", while on the phone with your own mother, then you should feel pretty shitty. Tia is proud of me though, maybe that's why it was so hard.
Funny how when the things you want to happen, happen, you realise it's what you didn't want.
knock, knock. "Shaelee?"
Shit is what i should have thought, but it all happened in one too fast blur.
"Yeah?" I dropped down the lid, leaving a 'bang' hanging in the air for a moment. I pressed down the lever, flushing away all evidense of my past and present.
"I'm going to the bathroom," thank god for these a-fucking-mazing acting skills. I checked the mirror, my eyes were only slightly red and watery. Luckily, i only got one hurl down (or up, depending on how that is taken, and processed).
"Why is the water running?" suspicious, though i don't blame her.
"I'm having a bath."
Thank god.
We both know very well that she knows, just neither of us acknowledge it.
I'm not going to do it as much as i used to, or even more at all. I swear it. This is more like when someone bites their lip really hard. It leaves a mark, or a bump for a week, give or take. For that week, that person will casually bite on the bump, not because they have to. Just because they can. That's like me, i dont have an addictive personality, i'm too lazy to have an addiction.
So, for the next, uhm, rest of my life, i may casually happen to "bight my lip." Not because i will have to, just because i know i can.
I think i may just post this entry in that damn blog. In the summer maybe, when it has little, or no significance. I think she (Tia) deserves that much. Just so she can know i did slip up. But if she is reading this (in the summer of course), i want her... you to know that i am so, so sorry, and i really never meant to hurt you. Or anyone for that matter.
And i love(d) you, so, so much.