i am, i'm ready to be new again.

Who else remembers seeing it in children's magazines, telling stories of meth, cocaine, or even weed sellers, about how some would only sell large amounts of drugs. More money, and then the kids would have to smoke all the weed too, then they would come back for more. I promised I wouldn't do that, follow the dumb crowd, I hated them anyways. Now I hate me.
Lets face it, I'm the mean girl. I think high of myself without meaning to, or even noticing it. It didn't start out like that, it started out as just needing an ego boost maybe, not just for ego, but to feel good enough to be good for once. I saw an old facebook picture of myself and a friend who now bothers me, yet she's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything else. This led to a "Confessions of a GoGo Dancer" scene, where the main character watches her audition tape from months previous, realises how much she's changed, and breaks down.
I'm doing what I said I wouldn't too, someone said it long before I did though. I never got why some people will treat others like shit, even when that person would treat them great. I'm starting to do that to friends, but maybe that has something to do with my "anger management". I'm very emotional, not always have been, or always will be, but just now, it's something i need to focus on. Not loosing control, or being stressed over everything. Hating myself is starting to seep through.
I missed the school bus home today, evidently I wore heels today too. Needless to say, by the end of the day I had mad blisters, and so I decided it was best to walk home without shoes. A friend and I walked home together, we bought some candy for the walk home. As a kid I loved Tarzan, I remember thinking about being born into a 'pack' of gorillas, I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easy, and simple, just walk where there aren't pointy rocks, or obvious pains. I thought that the adults were stupid to not thinking of that. Walking home shoeless, I realised that it wasn't that easy, and finally, that I was wrong. For the first time... ever, I acknowledged that I have been wrong on countless events most likely, which meant teachers, adults, and parents, likely had been right all along.
It sucks.
Personally, I do think that one of the best things for me, would sadly be to move. I'm just getting bitchier and bitchier most likely. Being a mean girl sucks, but only once you've realised it. I figure that if i can be surrounded by completely different people, and a whole new area, then maybe I'll change. Maybe I won't be such a bitch. I don't have that much will power though, I don't want to trust new people, because I know I will. I'm perfectly fine in my current state, I don't want new people right now, these are the people I want when I graduate, because then I'm gone. It's gonna be pretty sad I guess, but I know that I'm not staying here.

you know i nearly fell down and died

whats the point even? doing anything to make
someone happy, then nothing changes anything.
nothing.
giving all you've got for someone who doesn't give a fuck,
and when you stop going out of your way to please them,
they drop you like a rock.
whats the fucking point?
apparently there isn't one.
see I ain’t the boy that she loves the most
i’m just enough to fill the void her daddy left
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely

I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worste way.

I want to know where you were one year ago,
I want to be where you were one year ago.
Who were you a year from now?
I dont even know who i was one year from now.
I wish i was there one year ago.
Maybe i would remember me one year ago.
Remember my dreams, my friends, my thoughts.
Because honestly, i dont have a clue,
Its all been lost, everything i held so dear.
Looking through these old shoe boxes as rain falls down,
splashing away the memories i no longer have.