what you're lookin for has been here the whole time.

i told my mother i hate her, what kind of child does that?
it's worse because i truly believe that i might.

you were the one who was spending the night.

btw, happy one year. we've been fucking up eachother's lives for exectly that long now.

you were everything to me, but now you're nothing

We're not making this up so just write another letter. I'll be fine.

i knew a boy, i knew a man who looked a lot like you.

nothing less of disaster.

I don't remember anything. Suddenly I woke up at 4:30 am, still wasted, no idea where my pusre is-which contains my wallet, cellphone, and other necessities. There are two gian cups of water on my dresser, I dont know know who put them there, it may have been me, but i have no clue. Apparently a friend's grandpa drove us home, but the last thing i remember is playing strip go-fish at the kitchen table around 8 pm. What happenned to the last nine hours?

what a catch,

Take a moment to just think about you, and who you've become. Who were you at the age of five, and who were(are) you at the age of fifteen, are you who you wanted to be? Because i'm not, in the first grade i thought of myself as a good kid, and i wanted to grow up to be a good teenager, though i don't believe i am. Am i a bad person for the choices i make, and the things i do? Maybe. Maybe you have done something in the past week that you regret, but maybe not, maybe it doesn't really make a difference to you at all. In life there are always going to be the people who don't like you, and the people you fight to keep. There are also going to be those people who you won't like at all, but maybe they think you're the best friend they've got.

i am, i'm ready to be new again.

Who else remembers seeing it in children's magazines, telling stories of meth, cocaine, or even weed sellers, about how some would only sell large amounts of drugs. More money, and then the kids would have to smoke all the weed too, then they would come back for more. I promised I wouldn't do that, follow the dumb crowd, I hated them anyways. Now I hate me.
Lets face it, I'm the mean girl. I think high of myself without meaning to, or even noticing it. It didn't start out like that, it started out as just needing an ego boost maybe, not just for ego, but to feel good enough to be good for once. I saw an old facebook picture of myself and a friend who now bothers me, yet she's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything else. This led to a "Confessions of a GoGo Dancer" scene, where the main character watches her audition tape from months previous, realises how much she's changed, and breaks down.
I'm doing what I said I wouldn't too, someone said it long before I did though. I never got why some people will treat others like shit, even when that person would treat them great. I'm starting to do that to friends, but maybe that has something to do with my "anger management". I'm very emotional, not always have been, or always will be, but just now, it's something i need to focus on. Not loosing control, or being stressed over everything. Hating myself is starting to seep through.
I missed the school bus home today, evidently I wore heels today too. Needless to say, by the end of the day I had mad blisters, and so I decided it was best to walk home without shoes. A friend and I walked home together, we bought some candy for the walk home. As a kid I loved Tarzan, I remember thinking about being born into a 'pack' of gorillas, I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easy, and simple, just walk where there aren't pointy rocks, or obvious pains. I thought that the adults were stupid to not thinking of that. Walking home shoeless, I realised that it wasn't that easy, and finally, that I was wrong. For the first time... ever, I acknowledged that I have been wrong on countless events most likely, which meant teachers, adults, and parents, likely had been right all along.
It sucks.
Personally, I do think that one of the best things for me, would sadly be to move. I'm just getting bitchier and bitchier most likely. Being a mean girl sucks, but only once you've realised it. I figure that if i can be surrounded by completely different people, and a whole new area, then maybe I'll change. Maybe I won't be such a bitch. I don't have that much will power though, I don't want to trust new people, because I know I will. I'm perfectly fine in my current state, I don't want new people right now, these are the people I want when I graduate, because then I'm gone. It's gonna be pretty sad I guess, but I know that I'm not staying here.