You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade.

Early January, and yet i'm walking home in the cold, all to avoid
someone i shouldn't. Funny how for once there's no clouds in the sky,
probably because they're all inside my head fogging everything up.
Later that night i'm sitting in a circle of people
that i should be thrilled to be with, but i'm not.
The only person i want to be with lately
doesn't want me, so i thought.
Even though, eventually that special someone rolls up
with perfect timing, i'm leaning up against L. which
immediately leads to an awkward "hey", and nothing else.
So finally shes here, and i can't stand it,
the distance between us, the awkward silence,
especially considering i cant tell if shes just being quiet,
or really wants to be somewhere else.
I want to talk, but the words wont come,
i don't even know that they were, but they sure as
hell weren't coming out any time soon. So i sat there
with this pained look on my face i'm sure,
thinking about every little detail of the past few days.
It all looked the same, dark.
What if i had been facing the wall like the past 2 hours?
Would she have realised how wrong it all was? Would she have left?
Laying in bed with K. and E., suddenly the
cloud of confusion either fades away,
or grows darker, i couldn't really tell. She sits on
the edge of the bed, as far away as physically possible, and yet
i still feel the warmth that comes with her. Just now
i realise how long it has been gone,
much longer than i thought it was.
At least i've finally realised why the cold i feel
has nothing to do with the winter nights. The body heat
coming from this frail body is less than enough
to keep the shaking away. So we talked, and you held me tight,
hoping to stop the things already in my mind i'm sure.
Long story short, i got my birthday wish this year.
By the end of the long day i'm standing in a steaming shower,
and notice the water pouring down a mark on my bare skin.
Its a shame, really. Nail marks sketched into my skin, inflected by myself,
lines down my naked legs from too small jeans, that i still
refuse to throw away, and the scars burned into my wrist.
At least the blue line of veins is starting to reappear,
they're faint, but they're more than a memory now.
The smoothness of my skin is gone now too though,
then again so is the blood.