yes, i'm trying.

Carol died today, this morning to be exact. For the past few days she's been holding on, only through drugs and ionised blood. We will never see her again. I was never nice too her, i never treated her too fabulously. To be honest, i never liked her. She was iritating. She treated me like a was 10. She brushed my hair because it was knotty, even though it's just curly. I'm never going to recieve another one of her crappy Christmas presents that are completely pointless. Like that weird as fuck glass rooster paper weight.
I never liked her too much, but she was nice. She was a tiny little woman who knew little next to nothing. and she's dead.

hold your tongue, boy. hold onto your breath.

writing's lost all its edge for me. proof is that i rewrote that first sentence three times before finding it 'passable'. words don't flow; they sound stupid. i miss being stoned and letting the sentences of unimportance flow out and away.
i miss. i miss. i miss.
sitting for hours in the dark pouring the day out of my mind, giving meaning to commas and capitals. what a dream it was, seeing as always i could very well convince myself that none of it happened, that it was all a dream.
that is all. that is all. nothing left at all.

i've seen her in a smokey room, the smell of wine and cheep perfume.

i'm trying to tell myself to shut up, and to shut it out. i want myself to know that there's nothing i can do to change it, that i all can do is ignore the things i know. in a way i want to force the words out of my mouth, and to put a control on my life. just for once, maybe. words hardly make it in the air without my body shaking, letting it ink onto microchipped paper is pathetic.
fuck this, everything is ruined.

all the right friends in all the right places.

i wish i could quit.

trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired.

today my alarm didn't work, again, this caused me to miss my bus, and first block. english. school was entirely uneventful, i didn't hold hand with my girlfriend, because she is irrelevant. because i've fallen down this damned hole once again. after school, i missed the bus once again because emily made sure that i would 'say hi' to amelia, and wait for her. i walked home, which wasn't horrible, it gave me time to think, to clear out my mind. i tried to, but i didn't succeed.
amelia is sweet, and she cares. this is something new to me, something i'm not used to. she is new to me, completely unknown. she cares too much, and tries too hard, ironically i've always thought that i wanted this. apparently not. my heart doesn't race when i see her, not even when we kiss. instead i fall far below, searching for a place to hide. i feel like i could trust this girl, if i let her at least.
tia cares, or she says she does atleast. i say that "she says she does," simply because she has so many times before, so many times too many. i've always had strong feelings for her, but i just don't think that's right. too bad for me, though. now that she has become an option, a preferred choice for me, i'm more than willing to go her way, but what if... i don't know what's going on, or if i can trust her. i've told tia that i do, and i really thought i did, but what if... she's hurt me so many times, and i need her to prove it to me, just once, let me know that i'm really worth her time.
maybe i'm not though, which is why i've always been afraid to make her prove it to me.

dirty little girl in her dirty little life

SEXAVERSARY!

what you're lookin for has been here the whole time.

i told my mother i hate her, what kind of child does that?
it's worse because i truly believe that i might.

you were the one who was spending the night.

btw, happy one year. we've been fucking up eachother's lives for exectly that long now.

you were everything to me, but now you're nothing

We're not making this up so just write another letter. I'll be fine.

i knew a boy, i knew a man who looked a lot like you.

nothing less of disaster.

I don't remember anything. Suddenly I woke up at 4:30 am, still wasted, no idea where my pusre is-which contains my wallet, cellphone, and other necessities. There are two gian cups of water on my dresser, I dont know know who put them there, it may have been me, but i have no clue. Apparently a friend's grandpa drove us home, but the last thing i remember is playing strip go-fish at the kitchen table around 8 pm. What happenned to the last nine hours?

what a catch,

Take a moment to just think about you, and who you've become. Who were you at the age of five, and who were(are) you at the age of fifteen, are you who you wanted to be? Because i'm not, in the first grade i thought of myself as a good kid, and i wanted to grow up to be a good teenager, though i don't believe i am. Am i a bad person for the choices i make, and the things i do? Maybe. Maybe you have done something in the past week that you regret, but maybe not, maybe it doesn't really make a difference to you at all. In life there are always going to be the people who don't like you, and the people you fight to keep. There are also going to be those people who you won't like at all, but maybe they think you're the best friend they've got.

i am, i'm ready to be new again.

Who else remembers seeing it in children's magazines, telling stories of meth, cocaine, or even weed sellers, about how some would only sell large amounts of drugs. More money, and then the kids would have to smoke all the weed too, then they would come back for more. I promised I wouldn't do that, follow the dumb crowd, I hated them anyways. Now I hate me.
Lets face it, I'm the mean girl. I think high of myself without meaning to, or even noticing it. It didn't start out like that, it started out as just needing an ego boost maybe, not just for ego, but to feel good enough to be good for once. I saw an old facebook picture of myself and a friend who now bothers me, yet she's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything else. This led to a "Confessions of a GoGo Dancer" scene, where the main character watches her audition tape from months previous, realises how much she's changed, and breaks down.
I'm doing what I said I wouldn't too, someone said it long before I did though. I never got why some people will treat others like shit, even when that person would treat them great. I'm starting to do that to friends, but maybe that has something to do with my "anger management". I'm very emotional, not always have been, or always will be, but just now, it's something i need to focus on. Not loosing control, or being stressed over everything. Hating myself is starting to seep through.
I missed the school bus home today, evidently I wore heels today too. Needless to say, by the end of the day I had mad blisters, and so I decided it was best to walk home without shoes. A friend and I walked home together, we bought some candy for the walk home. As a kid I loved Tarzan, I remember thinking about being born into a 'pack' of gorillas, I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easy, and simple, just walk where there aren't pointy rocks, or obvious pains. I thought that the adults were stupid to not thinking of that. Walking home shoeless, I realised that it wasn't that easy, and finally, that I was wrong. For the first time... ever, I acknowledged that I have been wrong on countless events most likely, which meant teachers, adults, and parents, likely had been right all along.
It sucks.
Personally, I do think that one of the best things for me, would sadly be to move. I'm just getting bitchier and bitchier most likely. Being a mean girl sucks, but only once you've realised it. I figure that if i can be surrounded by completely different people, and a whole new area, then maybe I'll change. Maybe I won't be such a bitch. I don't have that much will power though, I don't want to trust new people, because I know I will. I'm perfectly fine in my current state, I don't want new people right now, these are the people I want when I graduate, because then I'm gone. It's gonna be pretty sad I guess, but I know that I'm not staying here.

when you told me you didn't need me anymore, well you know i nearly broke down and cried.

nanaimo, yes yes?

and I'll clean out my stitches, with rubbing alcohol

There totally is such a thing as the "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!)". The thing is, if 3 certain 'funny' shows were all on a specific time slot - say, 6pm-10pm, every show would want to be the first show playing. The reason being whatever show started first, would be watched first, and the others during the commercials(ratings). Thus every show starts as soon as possible, usually around 7:00pm, for an example. No expensive televising series wants to drown on and on, so every show goes for commercial around the same time. Leaving the horrid "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!). If they were really thinking, they would start their show at 7:03pm, and put everything they could into the first 9 minutes.


People these days, they're so crazy! You have the people who despise eating pesticides, and so they grow their own damned lettuce, tomatoes, beans, and such - and then refuse to eat anything store bought for 4 months. But every so often they must buy some sort of vegetation, and often go to Costco, for the cheep bulk. But of course they must rinse off all pesticides. But, typically these type of people must love picking blackberries, strawberries, etc. I'll bet that they rarely rinse of the dirt, bugs, and spider webs off of the berries. Likely, they don't even blow of visible dust. Companies spend thousands, sometimes millions really on steroids, and company machinery. What someone should really do, is create some fresh vegetation's company, that's farm based possibly. They can be off in Mexico, or a healthy party or the USA, maybe Canada even, giving good pay to poor families. Their slogan would be famous, "don't wash it, if it's not dirty." No pesticides, no need to clean it off with sometimes harsher chemicals. It would start out locally, with hippies, and vegetarians, soon enough everyone would love these cheep, store bought fruits and veggies. Not too long down the road they would be able to raise the prices, and still get more money, especially since being 'green' has become such a fad lately.


A few weeks ago i started getting severely angry, over the tiniest things, and i still am alot lately. Sometimes i yell, once i punched several doors, and a few walls possibly. A right hand knuckle was slightly bruised, but I'm too weak to break any walls, so don't worry about that. I remember when i was a kid, my mom would always tell not to jump from the couch to the coffee table, one bed to another, or even on a trampoline. Every single time i would be furious with her, because no matter what she said, i knew i wouldn't get hurt. I also vowed that i would never be like my mum, i hated her half of the time anyways. Now that my own little brother is reaching the age i was near that time, i tend to tell him to stop, not just because I'm worried that he might get hurt, but simply because it - he - annoys me. While searching the kitchen in search of something to feed my serious case of the munchies, i realised how alike i was to my mom. It's horrible really, because like she must have felt and thought when i was a child, i seem to think think that I'm doing the best thing for them. The kids. Everyone should keep their childhood promises to never forget, and to never be like their own parents. Try to remember being a kid, and hating your own parents for the smallest things. So when your child, or little brother or sister even, is jumping around, so sure of being right about something or other, just let them be. Let them be sure of everything they say, of whatever is around them, because once they enter high school, or middle school for sure, no one will let them have their way again. Wouldn't it be great to remember having this awesome childhood, instead of hating your family for possible the rest of your life?

and tonight i shall fall so far into the past.

Thursday, April 9

I'm sorry
So, so sorry, more than anyone should ever feel. Unless of course you are, say a murderer, or a rapist, but they typically don't feel all that bad. So i suppose i'm feeling sorry for them too. It was harder for me this time. I sat there clutching that horrid object for quite some time before i worked up the nerve. I'm not sure why i did it though. I don't feel the same as i used to, but i'm happy now.
Mum and i got into a bit of a fight... if you could call it that. I figured(d) if you can tell your "bitch" of a daughter to "shut up", while on the phone with your own mother, then you should feel pretty shitty. Tia is proud of me though, maybe that's why it was so hard.
Funny how when the things you want to happen, happen, you realise it's what you didn't want.
knock, knock. "Shaelee?"
Shit is what i should have thought, but it all happened in one too fast blur.
"Yeah?" I dropped down the lid, leaving a 'bang' hanging in the air for a moment. I pressed down the lever, flushing away all evidense of my past and present.
"I'm going to the bathroom," thank god for these a-fucking-mazing acting skills. I checked the mirror, my eyes were only slightly red and watery. Luckily, i only got one hurl down (or up, depending on how that is taken, and processed).
"Why is the water running?" suspicious, though i don't blame her.
"I'm having a bath."
Thank god.
We both know very well that she knows, just neither of us acknowledge it.
I'm not going to do it as much as i used to, or even more at all. I swear it. This is more like when someone bites their lip really hard. It leaves a mark, or a bump for a week, give or take. For that week, that person will casually bite on the bump, not because they have to. Just because they can. That's like me, i dont have an addictive personality, i'm too lazy to have an addiction.
So, for the next, uhm, rest of my life, i may casually happen to "bight my lip." Not because i will have to, just because i know i can.
I think i may just post this entry in that damn blog. In the summer maybe, when it has little, or no significance. I think she (Tia) deserves that much. Just so she can know i did slip up. But if she is reading this (in the summer of course), i want her... you to know that i am so, so sorry, and i really never meant to hurt you. Or anyone for that matter.
And i love(d) you, so, so much.

it ends tonight.

romeo save me, i've been feeling so alone.

you fuckng son of a bitch. i put up with all of your shit for all of these years, and for what? for you to fucking turn on me? on fucking all of us! i always have to be the strong point. i wont cry in front of anyone, because i always have to be the strong point. they've left us before, and your no different. except for her. once your gone, i'm going to be here to cut myself up picking up the pieces, and putting them back together. all over again. the world goes round, and you'll be long gone. i hope you are at least, because if your still here, i want nothing to do with this place. at least i got a head start this time, my knuckles are bruising before the blood.

the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

i've learned to stay away, and to come again. almost. my nights
tend to be spent awake, not in my home, not in my place. memories
start to come around during the night, in the weirdest of ways,
things i havn't thought about since they happened, which was years
and years ago.
-when i entered middle school, i never went on the play ground. not
because i had outgrown it but my mother laughed at the kids
who did. the first time i stepped on the gravel was in the seventh
grade on a snowy day. they had finaly accepted me.
the popular kids.
-"it's not like you and aurora are going to do anything," "i know, it's
not like we've dated." i know we're both speaking of the same subject,
but they'res no way we'll admit it aloud.
when you change, you do it so someone will love you. what you don't
realise is that after you change, some people aren't going to love
you anymore.
-when you meet now people, it's crazy. you tell the boys you're gay, so
they wont flirt with you all night- just for sex. but the night ends
with another girl, playing truth or dare. they dare you to do shit with
her- to turn them on. You cave to peer pressure, and wither away to
a useless pile of what you swore you would never, never be.

and that's the way i loved you.

sometimes, i really fucking hate you.