And we could sit around and cry but frankly your not worth it anymore.

Staring down the drain, causing a flash back of nearly 9 months ago,
or an immense feeling of deja vu. This shouldn't be happening,
i shouldn't be here in this place, alone on a cold bathroom floor. Girls
shouldn't be wasting their teen years in depression, and suicide,
no one should. So you're likely thinking to yourself,
asking yourself if she did, even though you already know the
answer. Shes sorry, and you know it, but she just cant stand looking
the the mirror everyday, and hating herself for it. Wiping tears
away almost every time she sees her bare body, She just wants
it gone. All of it, the bump that she's sucked in every day of
her life for the past five or six years. The jealousy of 90% of the
female population. She hates it, but she can't help it. The body
that is almost perfect, so close, but too far, so she waits, and keeps
struggling through the bad looks, the pains, all of it, just to
get rid of it all. Just for an end. We could cit around and feel
bad for her, but shes not worth it, she doesn't want any one's
attention, she doesn't want any one's pity. She wants less than more
really, less of her body, less of her mind, less of herself. She wants to
care less of what they say, she wants to forget about what it was
like. Just to be ten years old again, then again this personal
discomfort with herself had started long before she was ten.
Well sometimes it burns
Baby I'll wash it out
It all look so big
Never mind, I don't feel anything

Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're leaving and
Thin, where the hell have you been?

Cross my heart and hope to die

Tell me you love me, dont leave me to die,
cold, alone as i cry,
you dont know, you dont care.
Not now, not ever,
but it doesn't mean a thing to you.
All alone i sit and cry,
with tears you'll never know.
October.12/08

fuck what i said, it dont mean shit now.fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.

November 15/2008

my hands are shaking, i can't figure out exactly why though.
as i'm looking at my distorted body in the school bathroom i notice
my lips quiver and shake. i'm not cold, i'm hot, much too
hot, i have the drugs to thank for this. an empty stomach,
and too many substances for no apparent reason. i'm not sick,
i don't have a headache, i'm just waiting to die, taking pills by the
dozen, hoping death lays beneath the lid of a
now empty bottle, either death, or a major trip. i'm searching for
some Benadryl, sadly none is hiding in a dark cupboard
at home. currently, i'm sitting at my school, on a Saturday,
i'm a good kid, its not like i'm here on detention, its a show.
i sit here in a might as well be corner, with my back facing the rest of the world.
hunched over, my body language just screams
"try it, just try to see what the hell i'm writing.".
my whole body shakes now, i actually have to try to hide it,
especially on stage. the shaking, and the fact i
feel like i could throw up my insides any second, i have
bulimia to thank for that. i can feel my
heart beat pulsing throughout my entire body, from my feet
quivering on the ground, to my rosy cheeks,
inches away from these words. i just took a couple more Ibuprofen
...okay more than a couple-7. add that to the 5 i took about an hour ago,
and the 4 candy coated Tylenol, and you've got a pretty bad mix.
"2 minutes to go"
i hear a woman near by say, she sounds close, but muffled.
"Go get in place everyone."
The bag is ripped and worn, then again now so am i.
take what you wanna,take what you wanna, take what you-
I miss the stupid things, we go to sleep and then,
you wake me up and kick me out at 3am.

feeling so crazy, make me skin and bones

head spinning, hands shaking.
i don't know what to think,
anorexic clouds swimming amongst an obese sky.
rainbows cluttering my mind,
this weird logic that you are, that we are.
a feeling of safety, and closure,
i dont know what to think of it, except that i need it.
i dont want to let it go, i dont think i can let it go.
babe i'm so sorry for what i'm putting you through,
you deserve so much better than this.
i'm trying to stop, i really am. i dont want to hurt you.
"I lock the door, turn on the water, bury that sound,
so no one hears anything anymore, mirrors lie to me,
tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now"