fuck what i said, it dont mean shit now.fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.

November 15/2008

my hands are shaking, i can't figure out exactly why though.
as i'm looking at my distorted body in the school bathroom i notice
my lips quiver and shake. i'm not cold, i'm hot, much too
hot, i have the drugs to thank for this. an empty stomach,
and too many substances for no apparent reason. i'm not sick,
i don't have a headache, i'm just waiting to die, taking pills by the
dozen, hoping death lays beneath the lid of a
now empty bottle, either death, or a major trip. i'm searching for
some Benadryl, sadly none is hiding in a dark cupboard
at home. currently, i'm sitting at my school, on a Saturday,
i'm a good kid, its not like i'm here on detention, its a show.
i sit here in a might as well be corner, with my back facing the rest of the world.
hunched over, my body language just screams
"try it, just try to see what the hell i'm writing.".
my whole body shakes now, i actually have to try to hide it,
especially on stage. the shaking, and the fact i
feel like i could throw up my insides any second, i have
bulimia to thank for that. i can feel my
heart beat pulsing throughout my entire body, from my feet
quivering on the ground, to my rosy cheeks,
inches away from these words. i just took a couple more Ibuprofen
...okay more than a couple-7. add that to the 5 i took about an hour ago,
and the 4 candy coated Tylenol, and you've got a pretty bad mix.
"2 minutes to go"
i hear a woman near by say, she sounds close, but muffled.
"Go get in place everyone."
The bag is ripped and worn, then again now so am i.
take what you wanna,take what you wanna, take what you-
I miss the stupid things, we go to sleep and then,
you wake me up and kick me out at 3am.