Today I heard that someone left this earth, That someone disappeared left no mark here.

79 days.
79 days of holding everything in.
Its too many days of depression, aggravation, sadness to happiness,
its just too many. Too much of refusing to let anything out,
to breathe in some fresh, clean air, to actually trust anyone with
the things going through my mind, even myself.
I can't believe i actually thought i could handle all of this,
its obvious i was completely wrong.
Its funny how much trust i put into others, how sure i am
that they won't fall through.
Its funny how wrong i am.
Spending longer than i would have thought possible
for myself getting ready, all just to be let down.
Happy fucking New Years. While you're out there with your friends,
making memories that i doubt you will remember,
guess what i was doing?
Guess what i spent the last day of possibly the worst year yet doing.
Even though i was so determined to make this night make up for the
suicides, from the eating disorders, to the friend losses.
What a loser eh? I spent the last night of the year curled up in bed,
crying.
Hating life, new years included, but mostly new years,
although hating myself was included, so i zoomed in on that.
Telling myself things i new would hurt, words i new would burn
holes in my mind, and put cuts my wrists,
letting the ruby red blood flow freely.
Staining the outfit i so proudly put together,
ruining the sheets to the carpets.
No wonder you're here alone, no one ever wanted to fucking waste their time with you.
Useless. Pathetic. Unwanted.
So happy fucking New Years. Some friends i have, all out having fun,
getting wasted, leaving myself completely forgotten about.
Well... dont you have any other friends you could hang out with?
Ha. I allmost smirked, what friends? The ones that either completely
forgot about me, or the ones that didn't forget, just didn't care?
Today I heard that someone just got up and left himself
Lying on the ground.

I'm a little bit insecure from all of this mistreatment.

Packing my bags with as much as possible,
i've always loved the feeling,
throwing things in a school backpack. Folding everything 10 times
smaller than it needs to be, just to enable room for more.
Feels like running away. Feels like a new beginning.
Funny how shes thinking the exact same thoughts as the ones
running through my mind. Almost.
This feels like we're running away
I know...i love it
Why? I hate this feeling.
Its starting over, a new beginning.
Few memories of my childhood still linger in my head. One of them
sticks out most, like a neon sign in the middle of the night.
Another fight with my mother, no idea what about though,
bawling in my room, holding my Hunchback of Notre Dam barbies
dearly. Attempting to write a note saying i had run away,
and wouldn't be coming back.
I was four.
After too much frustration of not being able to write a
note that would be actually readable to anyone besides myself,
i settled to crying at my window like
Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
The neighbors, a group of teens who at the time were my best
friends, after moving into Elise's house, who was my last, and
possibly still, my best friend.
They hollered up trying to figure out what was wrong,
i think i called back louder than needed hoping my mother would
hear me complaining. As far as i remember she didn't.

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes, Dear Prudence, see the sunny skyes.

Merry fucking Christmas. Letting her down, again, broken promises, again. Battling a food disorder still, after promising one too many times that i'll stop. I want to say i did some research for hours last night, but i can't, 15 minutes top, i sure seem to give a shit about myself. I remember reading something about to keep, or in my case get some self esteem in the first place, people need to do things that they like, or are good at. I like dancing, so i spent about an hour dancing to upbeat music in my bra, feeling extremely sexy, followed by some drawing, which i like to think i'm good at. I like to think i'm helping myself, that this is a good step, but its happened so many times before, and yet here i am. Wallowing in this desperation. Begging for this to end, for it to be like flipping a switch, on and off. I'm trying to flip the switch, but i cant reach it. pathetic metaphor I know, but at the moment its all i've got, and i plan to hold on to it for as long as possible.

And i just can't take these tears, i hate this part right here.

I hate not being able to do shit to make it better,
i hate being this pathetic little girl who will
moan when saying her name,
but still cant do shit to help.
Just sitting on the sidelines,
searching through my mind
for a way to help.
All i know is little bits and pieces of what
happened last year round this time,
and honestly, there's nothing i can think of to help.
Looking at a faded photograph,
seeing her smile, just wishing there was i way i could
put that smile there again.
Find a way to make it stay,but i know i couldn't.
Really now, i think i would honestly
do anything, give up anything just to know
she was safe, and happy.
Just to know that none of these
thoughts would be on her mind.
Sadly there's nothing i can do now is there?
No. Of course not.
Just that pathetic little girl,
watching from the side lines.

And did you really look my way? 'Cause noone could have seen this coming.

I'm disgusted with you, who you are, what you've become.
Two fucking little chicken legs, and you feel sick to your stomach.
You eat less than your barely 5 years old brother.
Fucking 5 years old.
You clench your stomach not just in disgust, but in pain.
Your body cant even handle the fucking smallest things.
Two little cookies fill you up, even when its all
you've eaten at 2'clock in the afternoon.
A handful of french fries, and your done for the night,
Again, your sick to your stomach. Pathetic.
In a day you barely eat one meal's worth.
7am-11pm half the time,and only a handful or two of food.
Even then you still can hardly keep it down,
she was right, eventually your body wont be able to handle anything.
Just thinking about it makes me sick, that's how bad this is.
That's how pathetic you are,
that's how much of a horrible person you are.
Why cant you just fucking stop? If it hurts me this much,
just imagine what it does to them...
You say you cant stop, your trying,
but you don't know if you can stop, well why the hell not?
This is all self inflicted, your doing this to yourself,
so just fucking quit. You're putting everyone around you in pain.
Pulling everyone you love down with you.
Down this dark hole of pain, worries, and sadness.
You've obviously forgotten about her, what this does to her.
You claim to love her, and yet your putting her through all this pain.
You've dug yourself one hell of a hole,
and i almost wish you would die in it.
Because honestly, for what your putting everyone through,
you deserve it. No, you don't deserve that, you should have
to stay here in pain for what your doing to them.
Dieing would let you off the hook, but just put everyone
else around you in more pain.

Someone come, Someone come and save my life, Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead.

I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worste way.

I want to know where you were one year ago,
I want to be where you were one year ago.
Who were you a year from now?
I dont even know who i was one year from now.
I wish i was there one year ago.
Maybe i would remember me one year ago.
Remember my dreams, my friends, my thoughts.
Because honestly, i dont have a clue,
Its all been lost, everything i held so dear.
Looking through these old shoe boxes as rain falls down,
splashing away the memories i no longer have.