fuck what i said, it dont mean shit now.fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.

November 15/2008

my hands are shaking, i can't figure out exactly why though.
as i'm looking at my distorted body in the school bathroom i notice
my lips quiver and shake. i'm not cold, i'm hot, much too
hot, i have the drugs to thank for this. an empty stomach,
and too many substances for no apparent reason. i'm not sick,
i don't have a headache, i'm just waiting to die, taking pills by the
dozen, hoping death lays beneath the lid of a
now empty bottle, either death, or a major trip. i'm searching for
some Benadryl, sadly none is hiding in a dark cupboard
at home. currently, i'm sitting at my school, on a Saturday,
i'm a good kid, its not like i'm here on detention, its a show.
i sit here in a might as well be corner, with my back facing the rest of the world.
hunched over, my body language just screams
"try it, just try to see what the hell i'm writing.".
my whole body shakes now, i actually have to try to hide it,
especially on stage. the shaking, and the fact i
feel like i could throw up my insides any second, i have
bulimia to thank for that. i can feel my
heart beat pulsing throughout my entire body, from my feet
quivering on the ground, to my rosy cheeks,
inches away from these words. i just took a couple more Ibuprofen
...okay more than a couple-7. add that to the 5 i took about an hour ago,
and the 4 candy coated Tylenol, and you've got a pretty bad mix.
"2 minutes to go"
i hear a woman near by say, she sounds close, but muffled.
"Go get in place everyone."
The bag is ripped and worn, then again now so am i.
take what you wanna,take what you wanna, take what you-
I miss the stupid things, we go to sleep and then,
you wake me up and kick me out at 3am.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

"EEEE!" The one letter word she squeals,
in that ridiculously girly tone-completely not you.
It means so much, for such a simple thing,
so much for such a simple thing.
So much happiness for such a small moment,
perfect, no-almost perfect.
He should know about this, hes the closest thing you've got.
You want to tell him, but can't.
If hes anything like her,
anything at all
he'll never understand.
Maybe one day you might tell him,
try to make him understand, maybe you wont have to try.
Maybe he'll just get how you feel.
The nervous feeling she gives you,
or how no matter what, she always,
no matter what mood your in,
makes you smile.
The way her hand fits so perfectly with yours.
Even when shes done something that normally would have killed your insides,
you can just brush it off, just to make it work out.
Babe, you need this to work out, you've waited so long,
Waited too long.

feeling so crazy, make me skin and bones

head spinning, hands shaking.
i don't know what to think,
anorexic clouds swimming amongst an obese sky.
rainbows cluttering my mind,
this weird logic that you are, that we are.
a feeling of safety, and closure,
i dont know what to think of it, except that i need it.
i dont want to let it go, i dont think i can let it go.
babe i'm so sorry for what i'm putting you through,
you deserve so much better than this.
i'm trying to stop, i really am. i dont want to hurt you.
"I lock the door, turn on the water, bury that sound,
so no one hears anything anymore, mirrors lie to me,
tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now"

fuck you,stupid hoe,i dont want you back.

you wouldn't even say anything about it.
never. your too much of a sweety for that kind of thing,
you want to make everyone happy.
babe you can't do that, if you want me to be happy,
good for you, but if you want to be happy,thats a whole different story.
your always going to want her, sadly enough,
i dont think there is anything i can do to stop it.
or to stop you doing the things you do with her.
i know this is no big deal, its not like anything really happens.
its only trust, apparantly its not supposed to mean anything,
dont worry, they're tears, i'll shed more.
"wo-womanizer oh your a womanizer baby"

I never thought that i'd get hit by this love bug again.

"i tore the blankets off my bed and threw them
over everything before crawling underneath it myself.
the alcohol still had an edge on my head,
it was halfway between crashed and a hangover and
i snuggled into her back in an attempt to get the warmth flowing faster
....or at least that's why i told myself."
Who the hell do you think you are?
do you seem to think that none of this matters?
You can pretend to want me, but whenever we're together,
just imagine its her? Cus that seems to be all this is for you,
and game or pretend, or dress up.
I always loved playing dress up, pretending to be someone else.
but thats the thing, i would pretend to be someone else,
personally i would rather you not play pretend with me.
Dress me up in those blue eyes and that blond hair.
Make this alright in your eyes.
Dont worry i'll never find out,
and even when i do, it wont matter, i'm too far in to get out.
"Dont tell me if i'm dyeing, cus i dont want to know,
if i cant see the sun, then maybe i should go.
Dont hate me cus i'm dreaming,
or angels on the moon."

Dont tell me if i'm dieing, cus i dont want to know

I love how you make me smile,
And come to see me in the middle
of the night, just to make me smile.
Even though i hate this feeling of denial,
that someone like you would ever, could ever,
have these feeling for someone like me.
I couldn't ever give up this feeling of closer,
safetly, and loving.
"Waking the neighbors unfamiliar faces,
he bleed and he cries but hes only denied."

Dry your tears love, noone wants to see you hurt no more.

Babe dont worry your little head,
theres noone i want more than you right now.
She doesnt have a chance, babe,
all i want is you right now.
I really like you, like alot hunn,
6 monthes, and still counting,
thats how long i've been waiting.
Now that i've finaly got you, you can't honestly think
that i would throw this all away for her, or anyone.
Because i wouldn't babe, i'm in too deep and can't get out.
I couldn't leave you if i wanted.
I wouldn't want to.
We wont be seventeen forever.