i hate Christmas music.
why?
i just... i don't know
alright scrooge
sorry.
the feeling of waking up to a false reality, a false story line, a false family.i hate it all. loathing every little girl who jumps into daddy's arms Christmas morning, or any morning for that matter, and yet craving the same reality all the same. still, i'll plaster this smile wrapping paper on my face every morning, not wanting to ruin it for myself, but mainly for anyone else. i vaguely remember the past few birthdays, and Christmases, watching the phone, and waiting for him to call. balling my eyes out the rest of the night when i finally realise i wont be hearing from him for at least another year. spending birthdays sitting in front of this very screen, happy 14th girly, daddy forgot the big day, again. merry Christmas, cramming a month's worth of calories, fat and sugar down my throat, but knowing there's no way i can keep it all down this year. apparently its genetic, having this pathetic low self esteem, but honestly i can't wonder why. i stand there trying not to show how much it hurts when even she would bug me about my weight, and my size, even though i feel like throwing up just thinking about it. knowing the next time i look at this horrible body of mine, i'll cry just by looking at myself. cry myself to sleep with more useless tears, little raindrops af pain smearing down my face.
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