i knew a boy, i knew a man who looked a lot like you.

nothing less of disaster.

I don't remember anything. Suddenly I woke up at 4:30 am, still wasted, no idea where my pusre is-which contains my wallet, cellphone, and other necessities. There are two gian cups of water on my dresser, I dont know know who put them there, it may have been me, but i have no clue. Apparently a friend's grandpa drove us home, but the last thing i remember is playing strip go-fish at the kitchen table around 8 pm. What happenned to the last nine hours?

what a catch,

Take a moment to just think about you, and who you've become. Who were you at the age of five, and who were(are) you at the age of fifteen, are you who you wanted to be? Because i'm not, in the first grade i thought of myself as a good kid, and i wanted to grow up to be a good teenager, though i don't believe i am. Am i a bad person for the choices i make, and the things i do? Maybe. Maybe you have done something in the past week that you regret, but maybe not, maybe it doesn't really make a difference to you at all. In life there are always going to be the people who don't like you, and the people you fight to keep. There are also going to be those people who you won't like at all, but maybe they think you're the best friend they've got.

i am, i'm ready to be new again.

Who else remembers seeing it in children's magazines, telling stories of meth, cocaine, or even weed sellers, about how some would only sell large amounts of drugs. More money, and then the kids would have to smoke all the weed too, then they would come back for more. I promised I wouldn't do that, follow the dumb crowd, I hated them anyways. Now I hate me.
Lets face it, I'm the mean girl. I think high of myself without meaning to, or even noticing it. It didn't start out like that, it started out as just needing an ego boost maybe, not just for ego, but to feel good enough to be good for once. I saw an old facebook picture of myself and a friend who now bothers me, yet she's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything else. This led to a "Confessions of a GoGo Dancer" scene, where the main character watches her audition tape from months previous, realises how much she's changed, and breaks down.
I'm doing what I said I wouldn't too, someone said it long before I did though. I never got why some people will treat others like shit, even when that person would treat them great. I'm starting to do that to friends, but maybe that has something to do with my "anger management". I'm very emotional, not always have been, or always will be, but just now, it's something i need to focus on. Not loosing control, or being stressed over everything. Hating myself is starting to seep through.
I missed the school bus home today, evidently I wore heels today too. Needless to say, by the end of the day I had mad blisters, and so I decided it was best to walk home without shoes. A friend and I walked home together, we bought some candy for the walk home. As a kid I loved Tarzan, I remember thinking about being born into a 'pack' of gorillas, I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easy, and simple, just walk where there aren't pointy rocks, or obvious pains. I thought that the adults were stupid to not thinking of that. Walking home shoeless, I realised that it wasn't that easy, and finally, that I was wrong. For the first time... ever, I acknowledged that I have been wrong on countless events most likely, which meant teachers, adults, and parents, likely had been right all along.
It sucks.
Personally, I do think that one of the best things for me, would sadly be to move. I'm just getting bitchier and bitchier most likely. Being a mean girl sucks, but only once you've realised it. I figure that if i can be surrounded by completely different people, and a whole new area, then maybe I'll change. Maybe I won't be such a bitch. I don't have that much will power though, I don't want to trust new people, because I know I will. I'm perfectly fine in my current state, I don't want new people right now, these are the people I want when I graduate, because then I'm gone. It's gonna be pretty sad I guess, but I know that I'm not staying here.

when you told me you didn't need me anymore, well you know i nearly broke down and cried.

nanaimo, yes yes?

and I'll clean out my stitches, with rubbing alcohol

There totally is such a thing as the "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!)". The thing is, if 3 certain 'funny' shows were all on a specific time slot - say, 6pm-10pm, every show would want to be the first show playing. The reason being whatever show started first, would be watched first, and the others during the commercials(ratings). Thus every show starts as soon as possible, usually around 7:00pm, for an example. No expensive televising series wants to drown on and on, so every show goes for commercial around the same time. Leaving the horrid "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!). If they were really thinking, they would start their show at 7:03pm, and put everything they could into the first 9 minutes.


People these days, they're so crazy! You have the people who despise eating pesticides, and so they grow their own damned lettuce, tomatoes, beans, and such - and then refuse to eat anything store bought for 4 months. But every so often they must buy some sort of vegetation, and often go to Costco, for the cheep bulk. But of course they must rinse off all pesticides. But, typically these type of people must love picking blackberries, strawberries, etc. I'll bet that they rarely rinse of the dirt, bugs, and spider webs off of the berries. Likely, they don't even blow of visible dust. Companies spend thousands, sometimes millions really on steroids, and company machinery. What someone should really do, is create some fresh vegetation's company, that's farm based possibly. They can be off in Mexico, or a healthy party or the USA, maybe Canada even, giving good pay to poor families. Their slogan would be famous, "don't wash it, if it's not dirty." No pesticides, no need to clean it off with sometimes harsher chemicals. It would start out locally, with hippies, and vegetarians, soon enough everyone would love these cheep, store bought fruits and veggies. Not too long down the road they would be able to raise the prices, and still get more money, especially since being 'green' has become such a fad lately.


A few weeks ago i started getting severely angry, over the tiniest things, and i still am alot lately. Sometimes i yell, once i punched several doors, and a few walls possibly. A right hand knuckle was slightly bruised, but I'm too weak to break any walls, so don't worry about that. I remember when i was a kid, my mom would always tell not to jump from the couch to the coffee table, one bed to another, or even on a trampoline. Every single time i would be furious with her, because no matter what she said, i knew i wouldn't get hurt. I also vowed that i would never be like my mum, i hated her half of the time anyways. Now that my own little brother is reaching the age i was near that time, i tend to tell him to stop, not just because I'm worried that he might get hurt, but simply because it - he - annoys me. While searching the kitchen in search of something to feed my serious case of the munchies, i realised how alike i was to my mom. It's horrible really, because like she must have felt and thought when i was a child, i seem to think think that I'm doing the best thing for them. The kids. Everyone should keep their childhood promises to never forget, and to never be like their own parents. Try to remember being a kid, and hating your own parents for the smallest things. So when your child, or little brother or sister even, is jumping around, so sure of being right about something or other, just let them be. Let them be sure of everything they say, of whatever is around them, because once they enter high school, or middle school for sure, no one will let them have their way again. Wouldn't it be great to remember having this awesome childhood, instead of hating your family for possible the rest of your life?

and tonight i shall fall so far into the past.

Thursday, April 9

I'm sorry
So, so sorry, more than anyone should ever feel. Unless of course you are, say a murderer, or a rapist, but they typically don't feel all that bad. So i suppose i'm feeling sorry for them too. It was harder for me this time. I sat there clutching that horrid object for quite some time before i worked up the nerve. I'm not sure why i did it though. I don't feel the same as i used to, but i'm happy now.
Mum and i got into a bit of a fight... if you could call it that. I figured(d) if you can tell your "bitch" of a daughter to "shut up", while on the phone with your own mother, then you should feel pretty shitty. Tia is proud of me though, maybe that's why it was so hard.
Funny how when the things you want to happen, happen, you realise it's what you didn't want.
knock, knock. "Shaelee?"
Shit is what i should have thought, but it all happened in one too fast blur.
"Yeah?" I dropped down the lid, leaving a 'bang' hanging in the air for a moment. I pressed down the lever, flushing away all evidense of my past and present.
"I'm going to the bathroom," thank god for these a-fucking-mazing acting skills. I checked the mirror, my eyes were only slightly red and watery. Luckily, i only got one hurl down (or up, depending on how that is taken, and processed).
"Why is the water running?" suspicious, though i don't blame her.
"I'm having a bath."
Thank god.
We both know very well that she knows, just neither of us acknowledge it.
I'm not going to do it as much as i used to, or even more at all. I swear it. This is more like when someone bites their lip really hard. It leaves a mark, or a bump for a week, give or take. For that week, that person will casually bite on the bump, not because they have to. Just because they can. That's like me, i dont have an addictive personality, i'm too lazy to have an addiction.
So, for the next, uhm, rest of my life, i may casually happen to "bight my lip." Not because i will have to, just because i know i can.
I think i may just post this entry in that damn blog. In the summer maybe, when it has little, or no significance. I think she (Tia) deserves that much. Just so she can know i did slip up. But if she is reading this (in the summer of course), i want her... you to know that i am so, so sorry, and i really never meant to hurt you. Or anyone for that matter.
And i love(d) you, so, so much.