Romeo Take Me Somewhere We Can Be Alone, I'll Be Waiting.

September '07

Sick of all the drama,
Rumors that they start.
Sick of all them trying,
To mess with my heart.
The things that they do,
People that they hurt.
I'm amazed that none have realised
That they're all just being jerks.
I try to be so happy,
Put a smile on my face.
But deep down i want to be just like them,
So i eat nothing on my plate.
The pain inside i can not help
it aches and pains,
and tears my apart.

When i'm with you, i'll make every second count cus i miss you.

Whats wrong with me?These things aren't supposed to happen.
These things don't happen.
I don't want a fairy tale story, but a life that
i could actually live through would be nice.
Maybe a nice white picket fence surrounding
the words creating and shaping my life.
No horses, or Prince Charming,
But love and happiness.
Not scare dome, worrying, and fear.
I'm tired of this life, of being put down,
used, feeling useless, unwanted,
and basically every other horrible thing you could think of.
I don't want to do this anymore, i don't think i can.
See ya life, it was nice while it lasted,
but it stopped long, long ago, whatever it was.
Stopped having a meaning, a use,
the only feelings i can handle
are the blades digging into my finger tips.

But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy.

She says your just like she was when she started,
numerous times a day. Its not a bad thing, but its funny,
according to you.
You just have allot to write about,
there's allot going on in the big head of yours.
Dreams, nightmares, plus the few
bits of reality you can catch, and keep.
So this is happiness?Wow, baby girl, you've been missing out,
hard core. Depression has always bin all you've ever known,
its all you've ever felt safe in, the only thing you could control.
The only thing you've ever been able to keep.
Moving numerous times, family changing constantly,
the depression was something you had a hold on.
Funny how after moving, taking a new lifestyle,
like changing outfits, you changed lives.
So its pretty funny after all this time, you still hadn't gotten used to change.
"Dancing on the bed while the record spins.
A packet of old love letters wrapped in a ribbon.
Oh, baby, blow me a kiss."

They say that kid has got soul, every where that you go.

You say skank, but your the one with bruises on your neck.
Bruises from the past, some preparing for the future,
but most are from your past.
Rape, suicide attempts, and even the odd eating disorder or two,
broken hearts, stitched up and reopened again,
just to be put back together. But only by someone
willing to find the missing pieces.
To you this is normal, but to most, this is the farthest thing from
reality. Your afraid of an 'ordinary' life, its keeps you
cowering in the darkest corner barely visible to even your eyes.
Its funny how the best thing you can find on your body,
are bight marks. Nothing painful, but it brings in a unique beauty,
definitely nothing 'ordinary', and that's how you like it,
that's how this is supposed to be, how your supposed to be.
You say you want to be different, its what you most crave in life,
that and to be loved, which has long gone been met.
But despite your craving, you've still fallen in the crowd,
gotten lost among everyone, like an ant lost in an ant hill,
nothing more than ant, come and go, give and take.
Just waiting for your time to shine, for the sun to move
just an inch or two to your little bubble of amusement.
Tired of waiting, tired of cowering, well in a sort,
still refusing to be anything close to 'ordinary',
whatever the hell that is. Blond hair, blue eyes,
that perfect little figure, complete with a perfect loving family,
and definitely the perfect loving boyfriend, who's what?
Captain of the fucking football team?Fuck that, you'd
much rather be sitting here, eating a tub of ice cream,
with your perfect girlfriend, who just happens to live down the road.
Perfect eh? But in all reality, you need a wake up call,
need to get something done, something big,
something new, and all, in 100%, you.
Your gonna make it big girl, just you wait and see.
Soon the world will know your name, and in the end,
all the dreaming, waiting, and maybe even a teensy bit of the cowering
will have made it worth the while, worth the wait.
Just you wait girl.
My tears run down like razorblades,
And no, I'm not the one to blame.
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say,
Come out and now we're all ashamed.
And there's no sense in playing games,
When you've done all you can do.

I need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water, need to grow older with a girl like you.

I'm a visual reader, that's why this hurts so much,
being able to leave this low level life, create a new one.
These words hurt, and i hate it.
ihateitihateitihateit.
The lump in my throat it gives me,
the way i can feel the heat rising to my face,
its horrible.
Reading these words, my words, your words.
its sucks.
So tomorrow, when your wondering why
i can't even look you in the eyes,
i think now its pretty obvious.
i feel pathetic, and worthless just because of this,
because of my own thoughts.
I still stay up and night pondering
how anyone could love me,
with real feelings, or even as a friend,
how any one could ever put up with this.
Put up with all my fucked up mood swings,
my fucked up, horribly proportioned body,
and the things i do to it.
These are the mysteries that keep me up at night,
the nightmares that keep me turning
back and forth throughout the night.
I've read too many words...
too many words about how you love her,
how you always will...
"i love you. don't ever, ever forget it."
I can't even wrap my young, adolescent mind
around you not feeling that way.
I feel unbelievably horrible for letting you read these words,
but you say you want to know, and i'm so, so sorry.
You shouldn't be hurt by these things lurking out from
this dark pit inside of me, i shouldn't be letting them come out.
But we've already discovered that i cant control myself.
Promise you'll forgive me?
I'm sorry, i did not mean to hurt my little girl.
Its beyond me, i can not carry the weight of a heavy world.
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight,

I tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge.

There's a feeling i get when i'm scared, i know something bad is about to happen.
My skin gets hot, my pulse races through my body, and a lump
appears in my throat, just to make it even more impossible for the air being
pushed through my lungs to come out.
My feeble little fingers start shaking, so i try so hard to control myself,
so you wont notice, so you wont feel bad,
partly so i wont feel bad for making you feel that way.
I'm ashamed of myself for letting my fear get that bad,
for letting those thoughts even enter my mind.

Every day i sit here waiting, every day just seems so long.

blood pouring like little red, murderous raindrops.
blades scraping at skin like there's no tomorrow,
hacking away at old memories, just to create new ones.
wanting, needed, pleading to feel something, anything at all.
this endless sorrow hes helped you create is too much.
you want a new pain, one that has nothing to do with him,
something self inflicted.
It's almost a source of independence really.
shooting yourself before he gets the chance,
if given the chance would he take it?
definitely, he wants you here as much as you do.
there's another way to look at this,
this pain your inflicting upon yourself is nothing new.
after all, the only thing you feel these days, besides the rain down your neck,
is the pain he's caused you.
sure-its only emotional, but you're only human,
you'll forget about his tricks, and let it happen all over again.
better make physical pain, just to make sure you never forget.
of course, he'll never know, no one will, everyone will forget,
forget about the pain, and suffering- forget about you completely.
lets make it final babe, pop those pills like candy, drink your booze like soda,
take a nap and never wake, forever dreaming.
life never seemed to real for you, too many mixed emotions,
too many people, too many places, too much for you, just one big horrible dream.
maybe death wouldn't be so bad, you always liked dreaming,
hopefully these dreams will be better.

Saying now i pray for rain.

As a new, fresh wave of depression slowly starts to hit,
i try so hard to fight it, for it to mean nothing.
So i wont be affected by this,
For it to affect no one.
I don't get it! Why does this hurt so much?
Why does this happen so often?
Why me?
Is it one of those cheap ass karma riddles?
I've had enough happiness?
Time to pay up

Dont wanna be my friend no more, i wanna be somebody else.

"What i am going to do to you Shaelee?"

You don't know how much that hurts
You don't know what i go through every day
But i'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry i'm not your perfect child
I'm sorry I don't get perfect grades
And that i'm not a perfect student
I'm sorry that i don't do everything or anything perfect
But most of all...
I'm sorry i'm not perfect
And since i'm not i might as well not try to be
Because nothing i ever do will be perfect enough for you.

December.22/07

I guess thats what i guess for wishful thinking,

Attention!Attention!

The oldest of facts;;

Welcome to a world

where only the pretty

and popular survive.

what a shame for everyone else

to know why their

children, family, and friends

have died.

but what do we do?

sit back and watch the show

where only the pretty and popular

survive.

April. 23/08

I dont wanna smoke all these cigarettes and wine.

Tears of mass destruction

run down her face.

Streaming like a river,

with beauty of the ocean.

No one sees her,

no one cares.

Unknown beauty forever gone.

May.10/08

And you'll regret, everything you put me through.

Remember sweetie, we love you.
'Its the thought that counts',
always has bin- no matter what happens.
A husband can beat his wife.
but it doesn't matter because
he loves her.
Mommy can scream at you everyday,
Daddy can ignore you.
But it doesn't matter
because they love you.
Apparently.
Even if they either can't,
or just don't want to show it.
They apparently love you.
May. 13/08

Cross my heart and hope to die

Tell me you love me, dont leave me to die,
cold, alone as i cry,
you dont know, you dont care.
Not now, not ever,
but it doesn't mean a thing to you.
All alone i sit and cry,
with tears you'll never know.
October.12/08

My insides bleed from paper cuts, i bleed from you'r lyrics.

She asks you if your okay, actually causing you to laugh.
You're truly happy for once, and yet
no one thinks its safe to leave you alone, still.
So you spend your day pondering suicide.
pills, knives, and poison.
Its funny how your in such an amazing mood,
yet, you're still able think these thoughts.
So you put a smile on your face, but cant figure out if
its to create another allusion, or if your actually happy.
Eventually you land on a reason for this lasting depression,
or whatever the hell you can call this.
music, family, friends.
About 80percent of your play list is sad,
everything you write is sad.
Almost suggesting cutting all of that out of your life, you simply laugh.
Words and music, its all you have,
So you hold on tight, hoping that you never let go,
convincing yourself that its okay.
Its gunna be okay.
its gotta be okay.
You're beautiful, Every little piece love,
and don't you know, You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone.

Oh no, dont go changing, thats what you told me from the start.

My mother screams at me, trying to pound
the abnormalities of this through my thick skull. Digging, scratching,
pounding away, my father is
nowhere to be seen, lost in the dark abyss
Is this normal? I don't get it, i wont get it.
Families are supposed to be loving, caring,
a place to feel safe. This feels more like a living hell. Whatever
happened to fairy tale endings?
Whoever though up happily ever after, was so, so wrong.
The good old days, when all girls feared was getting cooties from the cute boys at school,
now its an endless battle just to stay in one piece.
I've lost the battle.
There are pieces of my body, my mind, me,
lying freely though out this bright lighted city. Lighting up the dark night with the
excitement i wasn't able to keep in myself.
Please, someone get me out of here!
I can't handle this torturous world any longer.
Rejection lurking around every corner i turn,
waiting to pounce, taking me down with any given chance.
Black cloaks drenched with black, icy rain.
Too much irony.
Black tears resemble the black smoke, flying
through the sky coming up from the candles lighting up the dark night.
A give and take, love hate situation, smoke for rain,
tears for pain. What about blood? If i drain my body of my
blood, what will i receive in return? More pain, included with much more rain?
Its a package deal, treat me like shit, that's what you'll receive.
With age comes responsibility, not respect.
You get, what everyone else gets, you get a life time

Who will drive my soul?

You starve yourself to the point of perfection.
Draining every ounce of power,
Every ounce of self esteem.
You are what you eat,
Does that make me nothing?
Useless.
A distorted piece of matter,
Lingering in this world, only until my time runs out.
How long do i have until this goes too far?
I jump into his arms,
smiling at his first words,
"You're lighter than you used to be,"
I miss this.
best friends, talking about everything,
the cute girl down the road,
turns out i was his cute girl down the road.

and if you get to heaven, i'll be here waiting baby.

November 16/2008

I'm amazed that last night's 'overdose' as
Kaitlyn called it, is still in my system. i'm not shaking,
no that's long over with. my stomach could
explode at any given minute though, with what exactly
i'm not. i've been awake since 7am-its 2pm now.
all i've eaten today is half an apple, which i couldn't even
finish without feeling sick to my stomach,
a cup of coffee at 8, and 4 little individual crackers.
Bobby Joe just came 'round offering might-as-well-be plastic cheese,
figured "what the hell, i can't feel any worse," .
I fear posting this up, knowing that from here out
she knows my every thought, without even wanting to.
its not like i don't want her knowing,
i love knowing she cares actually, but knowing how
much these things hurt her i dread. the fact that my
words brought tears to her eyes was the worst
feeling imaginable. tears that still drip sore, tearing her apart
bit by bit, but broke me instantly.
what i wrote caused that reaction, that reaction made me cringe.
making her feel like a horrible person, a horrible girlfriend.
my horrible girlfriend.
babe, you're so wrong, you are so amazing beyond words.
i still cant believe that you have feelings for a girl like me.
what you said that night, 'i lo...' i still can't even
write it. writing those 3 beautiful words would make it true,
accepted, make me vulnerable,
more that i think i can handle.
i'm afraid to be loved, i put in too much trust too soon,
trust it always broken too soon.
i'm not afraid to trust you babe,
i'm afraid to feel this way about someone, i've never had these feelings,
this feeling of needing.
dry your tears babe, no one wants to see you cry no more,
dry your tears babe, i don't wanna see you hurt no more.

fuck what i said, it dont mean shit now.fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.

November 15/2008

my hands are shaking, i can't figure out exactly why though.
as i'm looking at my distorted body in the school bathroom i notice
my lips quiver and shake. i'm not cold, i'm hot, much too
hot, i have the drugs to thank for this. an empty stomach,
and too many substances for no apparent reason. i'm not sick,
i don't have a headache, i'm just waiting to die, taking pills by the
dozen, hoping death lays beneath the lid of a
now empty bottle, either death, or a major trip. i'm searching for
some Benadryl, sadly none is hiding in a dark cupboard
at home. currently, i'm sitting at my school, on a Saturday,
i'm a good kid, its not like i'm here on detention, its a show.
i sit here in a might as well be corner, with my back facing the rest of the world.
hunched over, my body language just screams
"try it, just try to see what the hell i'm writing.".
my whole body shakes now, i actually have to try to hide it,
especially on stage. the shaking, and the fact i
feel like i could throw up my insides any second, i have
bulimia to thank for that. i can feel my
heart beat pulsing throughout my entire body, from my feet
quivering on the ground, to my rosy cheeks,
inches away from these words. i just took a couple more Ibuprofen
...okay more than a couple-7. add that to the 5 i took about an hour ago,
and the 4 candy coated Tylenol, and you've got a pretty bad mix.
"2 minutes to go"
i hear a woman near by say, she sounds close, but muffled.
"Go get in place everyone."
The bag is ripped and worn, then again now so am i.
take what you wanna,take what you wanna, take what you-
I miss the stupid things, we go to sleep and then,
you wake me up and kick me out at 3am.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

"EEEE!" The one letter word she squeals,
in that ridiculously girly tone-completely not you.
It means so much, for such a simple thing,
so much for such a simple thing.
So much happiness for such a small moment,
perfect, no-almost perfect.
He should know about this, hes the closest thing you've got.
You want to tell him, but can't.
If hes anything like her,
anything at all
he'll never understand.
Maybe one day you might tell him,
try to make him understand, maybe you wont have to try.
Maybe he'll just get how you feel.
The nervous feeling she gives you,
or how no matter what, she always,
no matter what mood your in,
makes you smile.
The way her hand fits so perfectly with yours.
Even when shes done something that normally would have killed your insides,
you can just brush it off, just to make it work out.
Babe, you need this to work out, you've waited so long,
Waited too long.

feeling so crazy, make me skin and bones

head spinning, hands shaking.
i don't know what to think,
anorexic clouds swimming amongst an obese sky.
rainbows cluttering my mind,
this weird logic that you are, that we are.
a feeling of safety, and closure,
i dont know what to think of it, except that i need it.
i dont want to let it go, i dont think i can let it go.
babe i'm so sorry for what i'm putting you through,
you deserve so much better than this.
i'm trying to stop, i really am. i dont want to hurt you.
"I lock the door, turn on the water, bury that sound,
so no one hears anything anymore, mirrors lie to me,
tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now"

fuck you,stupid hoe,i dont want you back.

you wouldn't even say anything about it.
never. your too much of a sweety for that kind of thing,
you want to make everyone happy.
babe you can't do that, if you want me to be happy,
good for you, but if you want to be happy,thats a whole different story.
your always going to want her, sadly enough,
i dont think there is anything i can do to stop it.
or to stop you doing the things you do with her.
i know this is no big deal, its not like anything really happens.
its only trust, apparantly its not supposed to mean anything,
dont worry, they're tears, i'll shed more.
"wo-womanizer oh your a womanizer baby"

I never thought that i'd get hit by this love bug again.

"i tore the blankets off my bed and threw them
over everything before crawling underneath it myself.
the alcohol still had an edge on my head,
it was halfway between crashed and a hangover and
i snuggled into her back in an attempt to get the warmth flowing faster
....or at least that's why i told myself."
Who the hell do you think you are?
do you seem to think that none of this matters?
You can pretend to want me, but whenever we're together,
just imagine its her? Cus that seems to be all this is for you,
and game or pretend, or dress up.
I always loved playing dress up, pretending to be someone else.
but thats the thing, i would pretend to be someone else,
personally i would rather you not play pretend with me.
Dress me up in those blue eyes and that blond hair.
Make this alright in your eyes.
Dont worry i'll never find out,
and even when i do, it wont matter, i'm too far in to get out.
"Dont tell me if i'm dyeing, cus i dont want to know,
if i cant see the sun, then maybe i should go.
Dont hate me cus i'm dreaming,
or angels on the moon."

Dont tell me if i'm dieing, cus i dont want to know

I love how you make me smile,
And come to see me in the middle
of the night, just to make me smile.
Even though i hate this feeling of denial,
that someone like you would ever, could ever,
have these feeling for someone like me.
I couldn't ever give up this feeling of closer,
safetly, and loving.
"Waking the neighbors unfamiliar faces,
he bleed and he cries but hes only denied."

Dry your tears love, noone wants to see you hurt no more.

Babe dont worry your little head,
theres noone i want more than you right now.
She doesnt have a chance, babe,
all i want is you right now.
I really like you, like alot hunn,
6 monthes, and still counting,
thats how long i've been waiting.
Now that i've finaly got you, you can't honestly think
that i would throw this all away for her, or anyone.
Because i wouldn't babe, i'm in too deep and can't get out.
I couldn't leave you if i wanted.
I wouldn't want to.
We wont be seventeen forever.