what you're lookin for has been here the whole time.

i told my mother i hate her, what kind of child does that?
it's worse because i truly believe that i might.

romeo save me, i've been feeling so alone.

you fuckng son of a bitch. i put up with all of your shit for all of these years, and for what? for you to fucking turn on me? on fucking all of us! i always have to be the strong point. i wont cry in front of anyone, because i always have to be the strong point. they've left us before, and your no different. except for her. once your gone, i'm going to be here to cut myself up picking up the pieces, and putting them back together. all over again. the world goes round, and you'll be long gone. i hope you are at least, because if your still here, i want nothing to do with this place. at least i got a head start this time, my knuckles are bruising before the blood.

and that's the way i loved you.

sometimes, i really fucking hate you.

i never knew i could feel that much

i hurt so much, and i don't even know why. i'm crying, and i don't even
know why, or maybe i don't want to admit it? yes, that must be it,
afraid of admittance, acceptance, and being unwanted. unloved
can be thrown in there too.
weed over me, weed over them, but never you.
i never wanted this, i never wanted to write like this either, but that's
completely irrelevant. i never wanted to need someone, or anyone,
luckily it's not that bad. i just feel like shit right now.
it's recently come to my attention, it's not that i don't like her,
she's never done me wrong. but you have. you're really the
one who always fucks me over, even though she's the one who fucks
you over, time and time again.
all i can say is, i hope no one that i ever fall for in the future will find this,
i wouldn't want to make someone feel like i do.
I don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I don't know if I'll get up, and
I don't wanna 'cause a scene, but I'm dyin' without your love.

now your halfway out the door.

when i no long cry myself to sleep at night,
then i'll know that everything is alright.

You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade.

Early January, and yet i'm walking home in the cold, all to avoid
someone i shouldn't. Funny how for once there's no clouds in the sky,
probably because they're all inside my head fogging everything up.
Later that night i'm sitting in a circle of people
that i should be thrilled to be with, but i'm not.
The only person i want to be with lately
doesn't want me, so i thought.
Even though, eventually that special someone rolls up
with perfect timing, i'm leaning up against L. which
immediately leads to an awkward "hey", and nothing else.
So finally shes here, and i can't stand it,
the distance between us, the awkward silence,
especially considering i cant tell if shes just being quiet,
or really wants to be somewhere else.
I want to talk, but the words wont come,
i don't even know that they were, but they sure as
hell weren't coming out any time soon. So i sat there
with this pained look on my face i'm sure,
thinking about every little detail of the past few days.
It all looked the same, dark.
What if i had been facing the wall like the past 2 hours?
Would she have realised how wrong it all was? Would she have left?
Laying in bed with K. and E., suddenly the
cloud of confusion either fades away,
or grows darker, i couldn't really tell. She sits on
the edge of the bed, as far away as physically possible, and yet
i still feel the warmth that comes with her. Just now
i realise how long it has been gone,
much longer than i thought it was.
At least i've finally realised why the cold i feel
has nothing to do with the winter nights. The body heat
coming from this frail body is less than enough
to keep the shaking away. So we talked, and you held me tight,
hoping to stop the things already in my mind i'm sure.
Long story short, i got my birthday wish this year.
By the end of the long day i'm standing in a steaming shower,
and notice the water pouring down a mark on my bare skin.
Its a shame, really. Nail marks sketched into my skin, inflected by myself,
lines down my naked legs from too small jeans, that i still
refuse to throw away, and the scars burned into my wrist.
At least the blue line of veins is starting to reappear,
they're faint, but they're more than a memory now.
The smoothness of my skin is gone now too though,
then again so is the blood.

Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner,Now everything's cool as long as I’m getting thinner.

You know that feeling you get in your gut,
that feels like butterflies, but isn't? That's what i have,
that's what i always have. Well, only when i eat.
No wonder why though, its this little craving inside of me,
the voice in the back of my head.
I noticed today that i've lost 3 pounds in the past couple days,
and believe me, i was excited. that is up until i realised
i'm still at least 10 away from my goal. Pathetic little girl.
Long story short, i didn't do it, i figured i owed her that much.
I...attempted to make a promise, and honestly,
she deserves that i at least keep part of it.
Especially considering it took me less than
20 minutes to fuck up the other half of this promise.
I promise i'm trying, but who knows how well that'll go.
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And do you honestly expect me to believe, that we could ever be the same.

Note to the editor, the editor being the only person who cares,
excuse me, cared. Funny how i knew this was coming,
so i've had that line in my head for the past week.
Up until yesterday morning when i actually
realised what it all meant. So it happened,
like i knew it would, and i did things i knew i would
regret at some point. But not now.
So note to the editor, i'd advise you not to read
from this point on, because believe me, its not your type of story.
I'm so sorry for the honest truth,
and i'm so sorry for shaking in your arms,
and for making you hold back on what you truly wanted to do.
But honestly, i don't blame you for doing it.
I still want you, more than you could imagine,
and right now considering the state i'm in, i should
probably want you to hurt more than the burning slits
on my wrist do. But i don't, i want you to smile,
to be happy. To go on with your life like
you were before i ever came and ruined it.
After what i put you through it was completely understandable.
And when your fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you,
you're gunna believe 'em.
Even when i'm thirty, i'm still gunna beleive it though.

'Cause when your 15, and somebody tell you they love you, you're gunna believe 'em.

sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM: well॥one day late sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM:
Happy birthday...
ѕнαєℓєєєℓιzαвєтн++♥ says (6:16 PM):
Gee thanks


Ya know what, fuck you, do you not know how to pick up a phone?
Sorry, but you don't get the fucking option of being a friend.
Your supposed to be my dad. But your not.
Too fucking bad your not "prepared" for this,
you've had nearly 16 fucking years to prepare your self.
Time well waisted.
Do you not have a fucking clue? Probably about half on my childhood,
most likely more was ruined because of everything you put me through.
I'm sick of waiting for you to fucking care. To fucking come back
into my life.
Fuck wasting too many tears to count on you. Except,
ya know that's what i've been saying the past three years.

its the first kiss, it flawless, its really something.

your and idiot girl, do you know that?
i don't regret it, not in the least, i meant those words,
i swear on my life i do. i've been thinking about it night
and day for a while now, wanting to say them so badly. i
was afraid, i don't know why, or even of what, but i was.
but now i'm furious with myself, tossing and turning through out
the night about what to do know. i don't regret it, not in the least.
but saying it in the state that i was in
was just about the dumbest thing in the world.
i wanted those words to be important, to mean something, not just
slurred mumbles between my lips. i'm an idiot, such an idiot,
but its good that i know it, be able to make up for my mistakes.
i love you babe.
Are you aware of what you said to me earlier?
mhmm....but i'm not sure if i will in the morning, but i meant it.

Romeo Take Me Somewhere We Can Be Alone, I'll Be Waiting.

September '07

Sick of all the drama,
Rumors that they start.
Sick of all them trying,
To mess with my heart.
The things that they do,
People that they hurt.
I'm amazed that none have realised
That they're all just being jerks.
I try to be so happy,
Put a smile on my face.
But deep down i want to be just like them,
So i eat nothing on my plate.
The pain inside i can not help
it aches and pains,
and tears my apart.

My insides bleed from paper cuts, i bleed from you'r lyrics.

She asks you if your okay, actually causing you to laugh.
You're truly happy for once, and yet
no one thinks its safe to leave you alone, still.
So you spend your day pondering suicide.
pills, knives, and poison.
Its funny how your in such an amazing mood,
yet, you're still able think these thoughts.
So you put a smile on your face, but cant figure out if
its to create another allusion, or if your actually happy.
Eventually you land on a reason for this lasting depression,
or whatever the hell you can call this.
music, family, friends.
About 80percent of your play list is sad,
everything you write is sad.
Almost suggesting cutting all of that out of your life, you simply laugh.
Words and music, its all you have,
So you hold on tight, hoping that you never let go,
convincing yourself that its okay.
Its gunna be okay.
its gotta be okay.
You're beautiful, Every little piece love,
and don't you know, You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone.