all the right friends in all the right places.

i wish i could quit.

trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired.

today my alarm didn't work, again, this caused me to miss my bus, and first block. english. school was entirely uneventful, i didn't hold hand with my girlfriend, because she is irrelevant. because i've fallen down this damned hole once again. after school, i missed the bus once again because emily made sure that i would 'say hi' to amelia, and wait for her. i walked home, which wasn't horrible, it gave me time to think, to clear out my mind. i tried to, but i didn't succeed.
amelia is sweet, and she cares. this is something new to me, something i'm not used to. she is new to me, completely unknown. she cares too much, and tries too hard, ironically i've always thought that i wanted this. apparently not. my heart doesn't race when i see her, not even when we kiss. instead i fall far below, searching for a place to hide. i feel like i could trust this girl, if i let her at least.
tia cares, or she says she does atleast. i say that "she says she does," simply because she has so many times before, so many times too many. i've always had strong feelings for her, but i just don't think that's right. too bad for me, though. now that she has become an option, a preferred choice for me, i'm more than willing to go her way, but what if... i don't know what's going on, or if i can trust her. i've told tia that i do, and i really thought i did, but what if... she's hurt me so many times, and i need her to prove it to me, just once, let me know that i'm really worth her time.
maybe i'm not though, which is why i've always been afraid to make her prove it to me.

dirty little girl in her dirty little life

SEXAVERSARY!

what you're lookin for has been here the whole time.

i told my mother i hate her, what kind of child does that?
it's worse because i truly believe that i might.

you were the one who was spending the night.

btw, happy one year. we've been fucking up eachother's lives for exectly that long now.

you were everything to me, but now you're nothing

We're not making this up so just write another letter. I'll be fine.

i knew a boy, i knew a man who looked a lot like you.

nothing less of disaster.

I don't remember anything. Suddenly I woke up at 4:30 am, still wasted, no idea where my pusre is-which contains my wallet, cellphone, and other necessities. There are two gian cups of water on my dresser, I dont know know who put them there, it may have been me, but i have no clue. Apparently a friend's grandpa drove us home, but the last thing i remember is playing strip go-fish at the kitchen table around 8 pm. What happenned to the last nine hours?

what a catch,

Take a moment to just think about you, and who you've become. Who were you at the age of five, and who were(are) you at the age of fifteen, are you who you wanted to be? Because i'm not, in the first grade i thought of myself as a good kid, and i wanted to grow up to be a good teenager, though i don't believe i am. Am i a bad person for the choices i make, and the things i do? Maybe. Maybe you have done something in the past week that you regret, but maybe not, maybe it doesn't really make a difference to you at all. In life there are always going to be the people who don't like you, and the people you fight to keep. There are also going to be those people who you won't like at all, but maybe they think you're the best friend they've got.

i am, i'm ready to be new again.

Who else remembers seeing it in children's magazines, telling stories of meth, cocaine, or even weed sellers, about how some would only sell large amounts of drugs. More money, and then the kids would have to smoke all the weed too, then they would come back for more. I promised I wouldn't do that, follow the dumb crowd, I hated them anyways. Now I hate me.
Lets face it, I'm the mean girl. I think high of myself without meaning to, or even noticing it. It didn't start out like that, it started out as just needing an ego boost maybe, not just for ego, but to feel good enough to be good for once. I saw an old facebook picture of myself and a friend who now bothers me, yet she's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything else. This led to a "Confessions of a GoGo Dancer" scene, where the main character watches her audition tape from months previous, realises how much she's changed, and breaks down.
I'm doing what I said I wouldn't too, someone said it long before I did though. I never got why some people will treat others like shit, even when that person would treat them great. I'm starting to do that to friends, but maybe that has something to do with my "anger management". I'm very emotional, not always have been, or always will be, but just now, it's something i need to focus on. Not loosing control, or being stressed over everything. Hating myself is starting to seep through.
I missed the school bus home today, evidently I wore heels today too. Needless to say, by the end of the day I had mad blisters, and so I decided it was best to walk home without shoes. A friend and I walked home together, we bought some candy for the walk home. As a kid I loved Tarzan, I remember thinking about being born into a 'pack' of gorillas, I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easy, and simple, just walk where there aren't pointy rocks, or obvious pains. I thought that the adults were stupid to not thinking of that. Walking home shoeless, I realised that it wasn't that easy, and finally, that I was wrong. For the first time... ever, I acknowledged that I have been wrong on countless events most likely, which meant teachers, adults, and parents, likely had been right all along.
It sucks.
Personally, I do think that one of the best things for me, would sadly be to move. I'm just getting bitchier and bitchier most likely. Being a mean girl sucks, but only once you've realised it. I figure that if i can be surrounded by completely different people, and a whole new area, then maybe I'll change. Maybe I won't be such a bitch. I don't have that much will power though, I don't want to trust new people, because I know I will. I'm perfectly fine in my current state, I don't want new people right now, these are the people I want when I graduate, because then I'm gone. It's gonna be pretty sad I guess, but I know that I'm not staying here.

when you told me you didn't need me anymore, well you know i nearly broke down and cried.

nanaimo, yes yes?

and I'll clean out my stitches, with rubbing alcohol

There totally is such a thing as the "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!)". The thing is, if 3 certain 'funny' shows were all on a specific time slot - say, 6pm-10pm, every show would want to be the first show playing. The reason being whatever show started first, would be watched first, and the others during the commercials(ratings). Thus every show starts as soon as possible, usually around 7:00pm, for an example. No expensive televising series wants to drown on and on, so every show goes for commercial around the same time. Leaving the horrid "fucking commercial minute-and-a-half(?!). If they were really thinking, they would start their show at 7:03pm, and put everything they could into the first 9 minutes.


People these days, they're so crazy! You have the people who despise eating pesticides, and so they grow their own damned lettuce, tomatoes, beans, and such - and then refuse to eat anything store bought for 4 months. But every so often they must buy some sort of vegetation, and often go to Costco, for the cheep bulk. But of course they must rinse off all pesticides. But, typically these type of people must love picking blackberries, strawberries, etc. I'll bet that they rarely rinse of the dirt, bugs, and spider webs off of the berries. Likely, they don't even blow of visible dust. Companies spend thousands, sometimes millions really on steroids, and company machinery. What someone should really do, is create some fresh vegetation's company, that's farm based possibly. They can be off in Mexico, or a healthy party or the USA, maybe Canada even, giving good pay to poor families. Their slogan would be famous, "don't wash it, if it's not dirty." No pesticides, no need to clean it off with sometimes harsher chemicals. It would start out locally, with hippies, and vegetarians, soon enough everyone would love these cheep, store bought fruits and veggies. Not too long down the road they would be able to raise the prices, and still get more money, especially since being 'green' has become such a fad lately.


A few weeks ago i started getting severely angry, over the tiniest things, and i still am alot lately. Sometimes i yell, once i punched several doors, and a few walls possibly. A right hand knuckle was slightly bruised, but I'm too weak to break any walls, so don't worry about that. I remember when i was a kid, my mom would always tell not to jump from the couch to the coffee table, one bed to another, or even on a trampoline. Every single time i would be furious with her, because no matter what she said, i knew i wouldn't get hurt. I also vowed that i would never be like my mum, i hated her half of the time anyways. Now that my own little brother is reaching the age i was near that time, i tend to tell him to stop, not just because I'm worried that he might get hurt, but simply because it - he - annoys me. While searching the kitchen in search of something to feed my serious case of the munchies, i realised how alike i was to my mom. It's horrible really, because like she must have felt and thought when i was a child, i seem to think think that I'm doing the best thing for them. The kids. Everyone should keep their childhood promises to never forget, and to never be like their own parents. Try to remember being a kid, and hating your own parents for the smallest things. So when your child, or little brother or sister even, is jumping around, so sure of being right about something or other, just let them be. Let them be sure of everything they say, of whatever is around them, because once they enter high school, or middle school for sure, no one will let them have their way again. Wouldn't it be great to remember having this awesome childhood, instead of hating your family for possible the rest of your life?

and tonight i shall fall so far into the past.

Thursday, April 9

I'm sorry
So, so sorry, more than anyone should ever feel. Unless of course you are, say a murderer, or a rapist, but they typically don't feel all that bad. So i suppose i'm feeling sorry for them too. It was harder for me this time. I sat there clutching that horrid object for quite some time before i worked up the nerve. I'm not sure why i did it though. I don't feel the same as i used to, but i'm happy now.
Mum and i got into a bit of a fight... if you could call it that. I figured(d) if you can tell your "bitch" of a daughter to "shut up", while on the phone with your own mother, then you should feel pretty shitty. Tia is proud of me though, maybe that's why it was so hard.
Funny how when the things you want to happen, happen, you realise it's what you didn't want.
knock, knock. "Shaelee?"
Shit is what i should have thought, but it all happened in one too fast blur.
"Yeah?" I dropped down the lid, leaving a 'bang' hanging in the air for a moment. I pressed down the lever, flushing away all evidense of my past and present.
"I'm going to the bathroom," thank god for these a-fucking-mazing acting skills. I checked the mirror, my eyes were only slightly red and watery. Luckily, i only got one hurl down (or up, depending on how that is taken, and processed).
"Why is the water running?" suspicious, though i don't blame her.
"I'm having a bath."
Thank god.
We both know very well that she knows, just neither of us acknowledge it.
I'm not going to do it as much as i used to, or even more at all. I swear it. This is more like when someone bites their lip really hard. It leaves a mark, or a bump for a week, give or take. For that week, that person will casually bite on the bump, not because they have to. Just because they can. That's like me, i dont have an addictive personality, i'm too lazy to have an addiction.
So, for the next, uhm, rest of my life, i may casually happen to "bight my lip." Not because i will have to, just because i know i can.
I think i may just post this entry in that damn blog. In the summer maybe, when it has little, or no significance. I think she (Tia) deserves that much. Just so she can know i did slip up. But if she is reading this (in the summer of course), i want her... you to know that i am so, so sorry, and i really never meant to hurt you. Or anyone for that matter.
And i love(d) you, so, so much.

it ends tonight.

romeo save me, i've been feeling so alone.

you fuckng son of a bitch. i put up with all of your shit for all of these years, and for what? for you to fucking turn on me? on fucking all of us! i always have to be the strong point. i wont cry in front of anyone, because i always have to be the strong point. they've left us before, and your no different. except for her. once your gone, i'm going to be here to cut myself up picking up the pieces, and putting them back together. all over again. the world goes round, and you'll be long gone. i hope you are at least, because if your still here, i want nothing to do with this place. at least i got a head start this time, my knuckles are bruising before the blood.

the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

i've learned to stay away, and to come again. almost. my nights
tend to be spent awake, not in my home, not in my place. memories
start to come around during the night, in the weirdest of ways,
things i havn't thought about since they happened, which was years
and years ago.
-when i entered middle school, i never went on the play ground. not
because i had outgrown it but my mother laughed at the kids
who did. the first time i stepped on the gravel was in the seventh
grade on a snowy day. they had finaly accepted me.
the popular kids.
-"it's not like you and aurora are going to do anything," "i know, it's
not like we've dated." i know we're both speaking of the same subject,
but they'res no way we'll admit it aloud.
when you change, you do it so someone will love you. what you don't
realise is that after you change, some people aren't going to love
you anymore.
-when you meet now people, it's crazy. you tell the boys you're gay, so
they wont flirt with you all night- just for sex. but the night ends
with another girl, playing truth or dare. they dare you to do shit with
her- to turn them on. You cave to peer pressure, and wither away to
a useless pile of what you swore you would never, never be.

and that's the way i loved you.

sometimes, i really fucking hate you.

i never knew i could feel that much

i hurt so much, and i don't even know why. i'm crying, and i don't even
know why, or maybe i don't want to admit it? yes, that must be it,
afraid of admittance, acceptance, and being unwanted. unloved
can be thrown in there too.
weed over me, weed over them, but never you.
i never wanted this, i never wanted to write like this either, but that's
completely irrelevant. i never wanted to need someone, or anyone,
luckily it's not that bad. i just feel like shit right now.
it's recently come to my attention, it's not that i don't like her,
she's never done me wrong. but you have. you're really the
one who always fucks me over, even though she's the one who fucks
you over, time and time again.
all i can say is, i hope no one that i ever fall for in the future will find this,
i wouldn't want to make someone feel like i do.
I don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I don't know if I'll get up, and
I don't wanna 'cause a scene, but I'm dyin' without your love.

baby i'm done, but i've got to go home.

I feel sick to my stomach, but it has nothing to do with being
hungover, because I'm not. It has a more depressive feeling,
being alone, reading words meant for another, and yet here I
am reading them over. Or not, for once I said no to wanting to
be there, seeing it from that perspective. Feeling
sick to my stomach, but too late.
Oops.
Chances are I'm not being missed right now, but chances are,
she still is. Even though she
doesn't care, it' been a over a year, and it's
still not over. I'd like to thank someone
for warning me before hand, that she wont ever stop loving that certain
someone, even though at the time,
it most definitely wasn't something that I wanted to hear.
It's recently come to my attention that I must obviously attract
people who treat me like crap. My first love, who treated me
horrible, but only me, no one else. Not her first love, ha -
of course not. I've never been the one that everyone wants
to be friends with, but I am close to those who are. Then again,
they never noticed trating me like shit either.
Fuck, my own father doesn't want me, or treat me well, but there's really no need to
vent about that now, it would be a waste of time, because no one will want to read it.

you dont always have to be on top.

Levi first came to me when I was about five years old, in kindergarten. He started out as my brother, became my best friend, and grew into my baby. Then I lost him in the midst of it all. Even though I had gotten a dog a year or two before -Koubel- , Levi and I still had a stronger connection, possibly, and probably because he stayed through the beginning of teen years.

When we first got him, he was meant to be a show dog, a noble steed, he was beautiful. Then less then 6 months later we went away to Disney Land, and he went to a kennel for the week or two. Where ever it was that he was sent to, required that he had his rabies shot (I recently learned that we don't have rabies here on the island, and most of Canada for that matter).

Apparently my brother of the time was allergic to something in the shot, whatever it was, it paralyzed his back two legs - something about the injection screwing up his spine. Our noble steed couldn't walk properly, our beauty would never be in a show.

Levi now had Wobbler Disease, so he couldn't walk down stairs - I carried him up and down for the first couple months, he looked like a dear when he ran, and he couldn't walk oh so well.

As a child I moved allot, thus automatically always losing and making friends, but Levi, he never left me. Honesty I never thought that he would. But everything has to come to an end eventually. The summer of '07 was an interesting, when I got back from a friend's birthday party in the middle of summer everything came to a halt.

My mum was outside waiting for me in the garden when I got home.

sit down,

what?

no.

a month, maybe two.

no!

Two months later I stayed home from school, laying in bed with my baby for two days, and another alone. It didn't really start to hit me that I was about to lose something that had been so close to me for so long. Not until his breath started to die out, each getting raspy, slower, shorter.

Up until the very last one.

The last breath is always the worst, because it's the end, and I knew it. No more of that dumb dog, no more taking him for walks, no more drool. No more.

it's the wrong time for somebody new,

it's a small crime, and I've got no excuse.

give my gun away when it's loaded.

if you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

miss independent? hey-she shot the bullets.

I've had a bit of an epiphany, well, more like a realisation, because
I'm not exactly 100% sure what an epiphany is exactly. No matter what
people say, there is always something wrong, with every situation.
Someone could have done something, something could not want, or
like something, but there's always 1 problem. And with relationships,
someone always does something wrong, always. So even though I'm
told that I didn't do anything wrong, and for the first while, I believed
it, now I know that I did. If I hadn't, then nothing would be wrong,
sure it can just 'not be working', but someone needs to do something
to push it to that point. People dont just stop wanting each other,
something that the other person has done makes that happen.
Oh, another epiphany of the day, funny how men are assholes, except
for the gay ones, but that's okay 'cus I like girls. Just turned out
they're bitches, well, the ones I go for at least. So... Tia, if you do ever
read this, i'm sorry, but i'm really starting to wonder what I saw...
okay see in you. You treat me like shit, and have admit that i'm the
only one you treat like that though, I've always been at least 2nd best
with you, which isn't good enough for one you claim(ed) to love. Sure,
for the first while, I could deal you always talking about Teal, and the
obviousness that you still had (strong) feelings for her. But you started
having feelings for other girls, I just couldn't handle knowing that you
treated them better than me. And that you probably wanted the more
that me, i've always known that I was really just there to fill the void
with you, and that you were just too lonely to be alone, you're too
hung up on Teal to really want, need someone else.


epiphany:
A divine manifestation.

everyone's caught on to everything you do, and i can't let you, let me down again.

when you've been sleeping in the same bed as someone for quite a long time,

you have to learn to compromise, and find something else to hold on to at night.

like a pillow for instance.

iam(not)afan.

I'm a real big fan of yours
But I'm quite the joke to you
But girl it wasn't a joke when you
Kissed me in your room and replied
"I love you too"

I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mistreatment
But see I'm workin it out
I'm workin it out
But it's so damn hard
When you're alone

Sha da da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and wond-ring why
I'm such a fool for loving you

And I get to the point where
All I wanted was for us to make up
But it's not that easy
Cause girl you move on so quickly
Keeping a boy like me at the edge of his seat

And I know everything you do
Is all about your perfect image
Well I hope this song
It helps your image
(Ha ha)

Sha da da da da da da da da da
Da da da
I'm so over you now

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and wondering why
I'm such a fool for loving you
And I was one who thought I was the strong one
Well you proved me wrong
Now I'm singing along to every song
On the radio I don't wanna go
Come on baby tell me
Something I wanna know
And I don't wanna see what's on my mind
Because this lack of motivation is
Taking over my time and I'm sick of trying

All together now!

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and wond-ring why
I'm such a fool for loving you

Near cemeteries that I have not been to since your goodbye.

something tells me i'm setting myself up for nothing less than disaster.

and i guess that yesterday's not good enough for you.

I feel as thought I'm starting to become like the girls I hate so much, not the ones I envy hate, but the ones that I really dislike. The girls who always have something wrong with their life, the ones who need to tell everyone, and lastly, the ones who just won't shut up and accept happiness. Although everyone deserves a minute or two of (public) false pretense tragedy, not including how many they may have already of had previously. In saying so, excuse me while I pass on the following words, and grammar of my own.
A year ago tomorrow, I wanted to kill myself, and in wanting so, I almost did so. I likely wouldn't have died, I would have overdosed for the first time, or attempted to cut my left wrist, but most likely, I wouldn't have died. My stomach would have hurt for a while, and my wrist could have bled. Although it probably wouldn't have. I didn't cry at all a year ago tomorrow though, I just wanted to die, without a large, dramatic event, without much emotion, just have it all end.
Every past, or current suicide patient (mostly past though,) knows that no matter how badly you want to die, you want someone to save you more. At the time I think that I was aware of this. I told my best friend of the time, who ironically I had never really met, of my plans. He also never knew his father, and so he is one of the only people that I may ever feel truly comfortable talking about him with. Funny how he has Cancer, so Father's Day in the far years, I may not have my best friend from the most part of '08 here to discuss things with. Alas, the good comes with the bad, no matter how bad it may and up being.
I've never really felt the need to celebrate Father's Day, not necessarily having a father, not one that considers himself to be a father at least. As a young child I'm positive that I must have felt the need, but I'm only aware of doing so once, there was one time that we might have done something the day after, although that doesn't count. The one time in my life when the day was celebrated on the actual date, was somewhere between second, and third grade. It was celebrated with my Great Grandmother (who I considered just Grandma), Andrew (who at the time went by 'Dad'), and a couple friends of his. My Great Grampa likely would have been there too, he would always save me from my British Grandmother when she was too tough on me. But, accepting the good with the horrid, two or three years previous we found out he (also) had Cancer. Two or three years previous, he died. I don't remember what we did on Father's Day, except that I spent most of the day with Grandma. Andrew was ten to twenty feet ahead of us, I cried, and my Grandma told me to "not be a bother," as usual, being much too tough on me.
and I am not too blind to know all the pain you kept inside you, even though you might not show.
if I can't apologize for being wrong then it’s just a shame on me, i’ll be the reason for your pain, and you can put the blame on me.

you can never say never

life doesn't end, it just repeats itself.
so in five years from now, you'll be doing the exact same thing you currently are.
or right now, you may most likely be doing the things you were
five years ago. say... checking at every given moment,
just to be let down time and time again.

i'm done.

paint that fake fucking smile on for just one more god damned day.
because you never know who's watching,
who's not, who knows, and who's oblivious to it all.
because you never know who wants to see the tears,
and who doesn't give a damn after all.

and then i became the very thing i hated much too much.

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

oh i miss you, you know?

Living together as if the other doesn't exist.

Your Turn.

About 4 months ago Tyler and I had walked around the school together one lunch break, hand in hand. He asked some fellow on his basketball team who he could buy some weed off of. Within ten minutes he had spent $10.00, and had a couple joint's worth. I didn't think of it as a big deal, in the few months we had been dating he'd blazed once or twice before, "but hey, this is high school," I had thought, "it's not a big deal, not at all." Later on that same day he rolled his first joint, as I lay on his couch, fiddling with his guitar. Who knows why, but I felt proud to be part of something like that, maybe I felt grown up, or mature.
Three months later I would find him smoking weed more and more, it wasn't too big of a deal, but i was getting worried. One night I called up my friend Brittany, she said that I shouldn't be worried, "it's high school," she claimed. Although, earlier that night Brittany said that she had seen Tyler, and he was 'high as a kite.' I tried to explain to her that I didn't want to be controlling, Tyler could do what he wanted, I wasn't his mother. The following night when Tyler came over, his eyelashes were burnt. He had invested in his first pipe. Four times that week - although that's all I knew of - he got stoned.
By April, it was ever, single, fucking day. I had tried to talk to him about it, but nothing worked. I didn't want to press 'T' too hard, we had just gotten back together after being apart for a month or so. Brittany agreed that now was the time to be worried. One Sunday night, when we were watching some show about Mandy Moore, she played herself, Britt told me "it's no fun to talk to someone about how much weed they smoke, but you need to do something." Some night, or morning, depending on everything, I asked him "if I asked you to pick weed, or me, what would it be?" He tried to convince me that it would be me, every time. I knew better than to believe him. Through the tears I tried to trust him but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt anymore. Neither of us were happy. From the words both of us were saying - to other people of course - neither of us wanted to be with the other.
One night a bunch of us - his friends and mine - went to Brittany's. Tyler immediately ran upstairs with Brittany, Connor, and his 'ex', Alicia. Leaving me in Britt's room, with her sister and boyfriend, and my friend Ally, watching Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Yippee, what a fun night we had. The four of them came back down and hour and a half later, completely ripped, and slightly drunk. Ally and I left shortly after that. I was completely irritable, and tempted to end it there and then, but I couldn't, I needed him too much, "I cant be with him, but I can't not be with him," I told her. We spent the rest of the night smoking Bulls eyes, and jokingly planning to hook up, even though both of us were 97% straight. Drunken nights spent kissing members of the same gender do take away straight marks. Besides, nothing bugs a guy more that having his girl cheat on him - with another girl.
As tempting as that sounded I decided to try a different method. I couldn't be with him, but I couldn't not be with him. Psych him out I thought, let him realise that if he couldn't stop blazing, he couldn't have me either.
It took him a while, but soon enough he got the 'hints'. I wouldn't be around him at school when he was stoned, which surprisingly, was quite often. I was yelling at him once or twice a week, always about the same things. One day he found me wandering the halls when i should have been in some class. It took him about twenty odd minutes to get it out of me, once he hit the right spot though, I wouldn't shut up. We were outside in the rain while I yelled, again he sat there in silence, patiently waiting for me to stop, as he'd done time and time before. The only words that came from his lips when i was finished we "That sounds like everything you've said before..." I was speechless. If I had said all those words time and time again, then why didn't he get it?! I love him so much, still, but whatever I did to try and help him, just didn't matter. I cried myself to sleep that night, and many more following.
A week or two later we broke up, once again. I was the one who brought up the subject of ending it, but I believed at the time that I was the most upset. We tried to just leave it and be friends, I still needed him. In our months together he became my best friend, although at the time I hadn't ever realised it. But his claiming to still have strong feelings for me got in the way. In the end, I left it all shaken, and more upset than when I began.
In the beginning, I mean the real beginning, when this 'crush' first bubbled up inside of me, apparently he was already going through all of this. Except mainly from my angle. He was in love, hurt, and smoking. Flash forward to the following Halloween week, and he finds me laying on his bed, in a pair of his boxers. We talked on the phone every night before one of us would admit defeat, and fall asleep. It was usually Tyler though, I needed to hear his voice too much to give up any phone call. Only recently did he admit his distaste to talking on the phone. Leaving me alone to only my breath, my heartbeat, my body, and my tears.
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

you know i nearly fell down and died

whats the point even? doing anything to make
someone happy, then nothing changes anything.
nothing.
giving all you've got for someone who doesn't give a fuck,
and when you stop going out of your way to please them,
they drop you like a rock.
whats the fucking point?
apparently there isn't one.
see I ain’t the boy that she loves the most
i’m just enough to fill the void her daddy left
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely

just another pretty face, but i want one more taste.

Tuesday, May 19

Well, I haven't written in a week on account of forgetting my pink pen at home.
My apologies.
Allot has happened that i have wanted to write about since last Tuesday. I just haven't had the time... or the proper writing devices. I would like to get all 10 or so pages now, but I am in English class, so I obviously don't have the time.
My mother found out that I smoke, on Friday I believe. On Friday I went to boxing for the first time, and got a ride home with Tia when she got off work. When I arrived I called mum, said where I was, she casually asked me when I started smoking. I replied with an "oh shit." She laughed. It was weird, she wasn't angry, but said that I needed to stop, along with some other humorous comments. She told me that if I stopped smoking, and didn't smoke again by graduation, she would send me to Europe, and I agreed. I also spent the weekend smoking.

.

A new memory came to my mind for the first time, likely since it happened. During art class Kate and I were discussing smoking, as she smoked all weekend with me. That somehow must have flicked an on switch of this tiny part of my past.

In pre-school, before and after my 2 hours per day of school, I would go to my Grandmother's. Gramma and Grampa. Grampa died of Cancer, the summer before or after Kindergarten, when I was camping with Mum. It was just us and the orange VW van, and maybe some Danes.

One day on our camping trip, mum got a call on her cell. Although I don't recall her having a cell phone before or after that moment. Up until my 6th grade year, at least. But I'm sure she had one. Anyways, she got a call right before we were about to go swimming in the lake. It was a very hot and sunny day, and I was very excited. She suddenly looked very upset, and I was confused. I ended up writing a letter to my Grampa about how much I love him, and missed him. Then we burned it, so that the pieces and ashes would fly up to the sky for my Grampa. I honestly believed that he would get the letter. That he would know how I felt. I remember that I still felt really bad for still wanting to go swimming after that.

.

That wasn't the memory that came to mind in art class. But it came to when I was writing, so I went with it. This - what I'm about to write - is what I remembered. The 3 pieces of my past that will be in this entry, are basically about the same things, and people.

In pre-school when I was going to Gramma's, and having a father, we would sometimes do errands. Just Gramma and I. Sometimes we would go to the doctor, for my Gramma of course. I always loved going there, the big white building, with white, or pale blue walls. It wasn't the hospital, no we went to the clinic. But being only 4 or 5, it really didn't make a difference to me.

They had nice toys there. These cute little plastic people - one was a doctor - and a big yellow bus. The people had hollow bodies, and the bus had bumps, so that the two fit together perfectly. The doctor was always the driver of the big yellow bus.

.

I remember a little girl of only four or five. She is standing at her Grandmother's white window sill, which her head barely tops. I am 85% that I am that girl. I mean... I know that she is me, but I'm not her. That was a completely different lifetime. The two of us - her and I - have almost nothing in common. But at one point, that was me.

Looking out the window she can see her mother slamming the driver's door in her old van. Within moments the loving mother sees her young daughter. The child eagerly waves, and blows a kiss. Her mother 'catches' it oh so skillfully, and blows another to the little girl. Thus she (the girl) 'catches' the kiss, and blows another. This continues long enough for both of them to have enough kisses to last the day, and the mother to realise how late she will be for her job.

Every morning she had breakfast at her Gramma's.

Porridge.

.

See? There is no way that that could be me. My mother and I have nowhere near enough love for each other. Although I do say porridge, apposed to oatmeal.

all that that means, is neither of us is listening.

why are you acting?
why are you kidding aroung?
it's all fun and games in the life of glamour, glitz, and scripts.
it's all fun and games in the life of costumes, love, and hate.

theres no need to talk it out cus it's too late

if life starts at seventh grade, when does it end? not death, of course,
if life were to end at death, then it would begin at birth.
but no one remembers anything-close to nothing at least-
from birth to fifth grade. so then why doesn't life start in fifth grade?
because people, no - children, don't fall in love. pre-teens don't
exactly fall in love either, not in seventh grade of course. they
may think it, but it is quite doubtful. seventh grade is the first
crush year, the first real crush at least. love doesn't start until eighth
or ninth grade sometimes. sometimes it's a couple years later, give
or take. real life doesn't start till high school though. drinking, drugs, sex,
etc. etc.
although, some may be lucky enough to start those barely after
starting middle school. they shouldn't but they wont realise that
until later. much, much later. someone said once that ninth grade
was the best of them all. they could have been lying,
but there was a good point made in the quote. first love, but first
love also means first heart break. what about graduation? that has to
be something. if life starts in seventh grade, real life starts in ninth,
what happens after all that? lost friends, lost hobbies,
and living on the streets for some. college, jobs,
etc. etc.
life really begins then, a kick start on it all. out of the house, in the car.
etc. etc.
you need to watch the way you talking to me you know
i mean after all the things that we been through
i mean after all the things we got into
i know of some things that you ain't told me
i did some things but that's the old me
and now you wanna get me back
and you gon' show me
so you walk around like you don't know me
you got a new friend
well I got homies
but in the end it's still so lonely

talking just turns into screaming.

sometimes sorry doesn't fucking do it.

cus i know ain't crazy, i know i ain't trippin.

"my, what a hypocritical bitch you are, grandma" said Little Red Riding Hood,
"all the better to fuck up my friendships with, darling" replied the old lady.

now your halfway out the door.

when i no long cry myself to sleep at night,
then i'll know that everything is alright.

you are the taste of something sweet, and i'm tangled in the sheets.

"don't do it, please... other people want you...need you
he's not worth it"
"oh...i'm so, so sorry, it shouldn't have happened like that
...she's beautiful, she was beautiful,"
"nothing too big, too small...nothing out of proportion..."
"jump out of a window and hope you dont fall."
"tell her...she'll understand"
"i like you"
"put up a front...kills yourself to make someone else feel alive"
"i did... and i fell hard."
"no, you walked out the door, and tripped on the stairs.
"hey beautiful...i love you."
"happy fucking new years."
"she made me feel bad whenever it happened
...wouldn't talk to me."
"its not working..."
nods.
"then i dont want to try the window."
"home alone?...hi."
"now its your turn to jump out the window...
hope you dont fall again."
"where is it?....____."
"that's not all...get ulcers from..."
"i saw it coming..so much harder than..."
pathetic. ugly. fat. unwanted.
"we dont effect the ones we love...just do what we want?"
"why did i let myself fall...."
"cant live with...can't live without."
"stoned out of your face."
"i'm sorry..."
"ignored."
"i love you."
"whats wrong...?"
"please?"
"no..."
no....
past fucking tense.

so many we's, but only just one me.

cover up with make up in the mirror,
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again,
you cry alone,
then she swears she loves you.
this partially explains her behaviour, but only today's,
not the past month-and-a-half.


And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,
promise I’m going because I’ve gotta get outta here

lucky hundred.

past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.
past fucking tense.

Over playgrounds and rooftops.

Give me your heart and your soul, I’m breaking out. Last chance to lose control.

who am i? you sure you want to know?

i dont really know what to write about now, not being on here as much -or at all really- for so long. my mind's come to a blank, and i just feel slightly... not empty, but like i have nothing of importance to write of. nothing that i can write in such a permanent environment at least. that's the thing about the Internet, once its here, its here. even if i deleted the post, if someone spent long enough trying to find it, and knew what they were doing, they could find it. if they really wanted to. that's what's so great about paper, possibly, and probably why i prefer a journal. no backspace button to change original ideas, and if i really detested something enough to get rid of it, i could. rip it up, put it in a shredder, and after a short amount of time, its gone, and no one,
no one could find it. i'm not sure what to think anymore, i'm slightly more or less confused, about everything really. who to like, who to trust, what to like, what to think, etc. so i've settled on not thinking about much. that's not as bad as it sounds, i'm thinking, but i don't like to think too hard about things. meaning, if it doesn't come easily, then maybe i shouldn't be thinking about it? i honestly don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but then again, maybe that's why its a good thing that so few people are reading this.

I'm at the point where i don't know what to do.

chaptertwo...
Henry Ford, obviously invented the Ford car line. When his mother died in 1876(she was only 37) Henry was devastated. He was also only 13 years old. He hated the farm work, and only stayed there for his mother. At some point in time he told his dad "I never had any particular love for the farm—it was the mother on the farm I loved.".
Three years later (he was then 16) he left the farm to apprentice a mechanic in Detroit. I could continue with facts that most would find pointless for a while, but as much as i don't exactly think it would be pointless, it could, and likely would be tres boring.
The main point that i am attempting to get through here, is that it doesn't matter what you wear, what your labeled, or what your fucking popularity status is. As long as your happy, happy with what your doing, happy with who your with, happy with life in general. Currently i'm not happy, i'm cheerful, i put up a good front, but i'm not exactly sure when i was most recently happy, for a decent period of time at least.
Henry Ford was happy working with machinery, such as cars, watches, steam engines, etc.
Another point, is that how the little things effect the world, and everyone included. If it weren't for his mother dieing, chances are, Henry wouldn't have left the farm to apprentice. Thus leaving us without Ford cars, trucks, etc. Most likely at least. Think of that? We're all well aware that Ford is not the only automobile company, but it's well known. Though, if he hadn't made his cars, than maybe other companies wouldn't have either.
Also, it means that we can't go through the good, without the bad, even if it's worst comes to worst.

i dont know what your looking for, i said i bet that you look good on the dancefloor.

Well... its a good thing i never liked portobello mushrooms.

once upon a time...

Excuse me, but the last time i checked, juggling 3 relationships at once was a bad thing. As far as i know, that would label you as a slut, but for some reason that doesn't seem to fit. Even in my eyes. Doing things like this aren't supposed to help, they aren't supposed to work out in the end. So why do they? Why do some people get it all, leaving the others with nothing?
I'm just so sick of living my life around every one else. So fucking sick of it. And in a way, shes right, I don't want to waste my time waiting around to be wanted once again, I just don't know what else to do at the moment. So, I'll do this, just for now, to see what happens.

THE END.

Not permanently, but for now. This fucking thread is living my life, and I hate it, and thus, I am done. Not for good, no, but for now. I may be back in a month or so, just to see what comes to mind. Fuck, I'll likely be back in a week or two, but nothing will be posted, nothing will be written, nothing new will be read. This line of work, these lines of words, are done. The emotionless letters and words, I'm just so fucking done with it all.

I lose my sense of wrong and right, I cry, I cry.

So, sorry I did whatever it was I did that caused this to end.
So sorry that I wasn't good enough to keep this going.
I apologize for not being good enough.
Maybe if I was, this damned inanimate father wouldn't be so inanimate.
Maybe I wouldn't be off following the girl who's busy following nova.
Sorry I don't have the perfect body proportions as her, or the perfect hair,
Although I do know that has little, or none to do with this, it still comes to mind.
Maybe if I was just a little bit better, I wouldn't have gone to 10 different schools
In 14 years.
Maybe I would be part of the group of friends that had pictures before kindergarten '00.
Maybe I wouldn't have friends coming and going as they please,
Because maybe, just maybe I would be worth a dime in their books.
If I was better, maybe I wouldn't have developed this damned eating disorder,
Or these horrid smoking habits.
I wouldn't be being offered jobs of prostitution, and nude photographs.
I wouldn't be considering to take them either.
Maybe if I was a better kid, I'd be good enough,
not sure good enough for who, but I would be good enough.
Maybe she wouldn't be curious, or knowing to whome, or what, this is about,
And I wouldn't be high jacking this little quote here saying these exact words
Maybe I would be in bed, and I wouldn't have this dead buzz of alcohol.
Been black and blue before
There’s no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback’s such a waste
You’re invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance.

I'm sick of this life, and the people that surround me in it.
I'm sick of being told what to do,
And given the responsibility of someone over my age,
and yet being treated like a five year old.
Scratch that, i'd be lucky to have that kind of treatment.
I'm sick of drugs, and alcohol,
Smoking and sex.
Its all a combination of revolution.
It sucks.
I'm sick of people, i'm sick of choices,
I'm sick of having to make them.
Making the right, or wrong one, i'm sick of it all.
I'm sick of life, and 99% of the people in it.
99% of the idiotic people who don't know right from wrong,
Smart from dumb,
Drugs from fun.
So many bright lights to cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding I get so weak
A love that's so demanding I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

"It's called a BREAK-UP because it's BROKEN"

ѕнαєℓєєєℓιzαвєтн ♫(On my new computer!) says (3:15 PM):
I realised i really hate my girlfriends bestfriend, which is weird, because i don't believe in hating, its a waiste of emotion, i just get angry when i look at her, and severely jelous. This is because my girlfriend used to be inlove with her, but now she claims she doesn't, but i dont beleive her. I was, at some point, able to squeeze the fact out of her that she does, truly still like her, but I believe that she still loves her, actually i'm 98% positive that she does, and thus, i hate her bestfriend, which makes things severely complecated. I dont really hate her actually, theres completely nothing wrong with her as a person, if this were any other circumstance, say i met her at walmart, we could have been good friends. I just hate what she represents. And honestly, i just want to yell at someone right now, go have a smoke, and take some e
Keke says (3:17 PM):
well, if she likes her best friend still and she WANTS to get over her, she has no choice but to let her go until she is over her. but that's only if she's wlling. I'm guessing you're not the type of person to ask this of her though.
ѕнαєℓєєєℓιzαвєтн ♫(On my new computer!) says (3:18 PM):
No, i'm not, and it would be useless anyways...

the candles are lit and the clothes on the floor.

the twenty-second

Oh, thank God. Mr. Flutie got off the couch. And Marcus and i finally fucked.

Would you prefer a prettier phase, like made sweet love? Well, that's not what we did. Marcus might argue that we're in love, so we're always making love-even when we're just plain ol'-fashioned fucking. Yes, even with my limited experience, i know there's a difference. And if you don't know what it is, well, i feel sorry for you.

pg. 31.

Did anyone try to hard, well i guess i did

She was an innocent soul with a love of art that turned into a drugged up mess mixed with suicide and smokes.

When was the last time you talked to me? Seriously I feel like I don't even know you

Why do people walk when in a bad mood? People want to think,
and for some odd reason, every human being thinks this is only
possible when alone.
So people walk to think when in a bad mood, people walk alone.
Which is ridiculous, being alone when in a bad mood
is like adding the fuel to the fire. I know this from personal experience.
But still, every time, given the choice between being around people,
and thinking alone, 99.9% of the time, people will choose to be alone.
Its a sense of control, "I'm choosing to be alone..."
Even though while telling the world to be left alone,
once turned around, and walking away, typically,
most people are still hoping that someone will come stop them.
And yet, still most people will walk away.
Why is it life is so complicated, and torn apart at every given moment.
you're never gonna get it with nothing
cause nothing's what you got in your head
so stop pretending

'You're so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip.'

So... Yes, she is a better influence on me, and yes,
she does actually like to talk,
and she refuses to let anyone be sad, which is good,
but shes not you.Shes not you, and i don't want her.
I want someone that i love, and that's you.
I'm starting to know what you meant when you said
that the whole jealousy show was going on for too long.
I tried to stop, or at least not you know how bad it was,
because i didn't want you to know how
much you were hurting me. But it seems right now,
you don't exactly seem to care about that right now.
You don't seem to notice how bothersome it gets
whenever you bring her up. Whenever you bring it up,
as if you think anything could actually happen,
Even though we both know nothing would.
I'm just... i'm getting so sick of this always coming up,
I don't want our relationship evolving around her.
Everyone always says that soon enough in a relationship,
someone will start acting different, stop trying, and i'm scared.
Because, well... honestly it almost seems allot like that lately.
And... well, I don't want to lose this.

Did I get your attention?
'Cause I'm sending all the signs

That the clocking is ticking
And I'll be giving my two weeks
Pick your favorite shade of black
You'd best prepare a speech

Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me

... Maybe I was too pale
Maybe I was too fat

... I swore too much
But i swear you didn't care
'Cause we were in love

I'm talking gibberish, tip of the tongue but I can't deliver it

Why do people put themselves through things that in any other
circumstance they wouldn't be able to to handle?
People think that they're stronger than
they really are, and when they realise that they're not, their egos
are too large to let anyone realise what they're really going through.
People these days are pathetic, they don't want to be wrong, no,
people have always been pathetic, they've never wanted to be wrong.
On the odd chance there may be someone who's ego wont be too large
for emotion to slip through the cracks. But that person may also
let too much slip out, only because their ego will be so small that they
will need the attention of everyone.
In which case, in my eyes, they are still pathetic.
Why do people think that they're stronger than they are?
Why is it people will curl up in small little frail balls from pain that they
have no logical reason for. And yet when inflicted with the same pain
that is completely their fault, they will stand tall and strong.
And instead of wishing that it would get better
Man you're seeing that you just get angrier

And it's good that I'm not angry I just need to get over
I'm not angry, anymore

Very entertaining, but its over now

Life is like a story.
Screw the box of chocolate metaphor, good or bad,
black and white. There's shades, such as gray, and everything
in between. Gray, like foggy clouds, like the ones
fogging up my mind in this big puddle of confusion.
So, life is like a story.
Say you have a story about butterflies, nice pretty butterflies.
Then, out of nowhere the author will throw in a paragraph or so
about tigers.
So, obviously your pretty confused, but you don't mind, tigers
aren't too bad, sure they have sharp claws, and baring teeth,
but they're cute enough.
Throughout the rest of the story the author will randomly state
a matter of fact statement about tigers.
'A tiger is capable of jumping to almost twice its height.',
or
'When hunting large prey, tigers prefer to bite
the throat and use their forelimbs to hold onto the prey,
bringing it to the ground.'
So in the end you have a slight curiosity about tigers that
you don't exactly care for.
You were perfectly fine with the innocent butterflies.
'Many species of butterfly maintain territories and actively
chase other species or individuals that may stray into them.'
Life is like a story, sometimes you regret the book in your fingers.
Sometimes you love the book clenched in your hands,
and refuse to let go.
But every book has an ending, but that doesn't mean you
can't read it again.
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day
When you'll ask her her name

running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere.

Standing behind a counter flipping the original fat filled patty,
at the age of 45, at one of the not so new
Harvey's planted in a hardware store to feed those
tired after a long day of linen and carpet shopping.
I can honestly state that this must be one of my biggest fears,
end my life in one of the numerous home towns i grew up in.
I dont want the be the mother of one of my past tense best friends,
starting out a part time job at the age of 17, turned full time
job 30 years later. Weekends included also in just another fast food
restaurant. It actually physically pains me too see the potential
wasted, to see the gray hairs grow year after year.
I'm sure she never planned this, i'm sure she never planned on
retiring at the age of 56 at Harvey's.
I'm sure of this because i know no one would plan that.
She likely had some big dreams, leave this small town, make it big,
but something stopped her along the way.
If you really think about it, a persons personal value is only about
83 cents, 50 years back it was around 67, but prices have gone up
over the years. Then again, i'm sure if you had some sort of
value with you, your personal value would go up too.
A diamond ring maybe, something fancy in, or on your hair.
Whoever said "looks aren't everything," was obviously blind.
Go to school, if you look bad, then no one will talk to you,
take a weekly trip to the mall looking 'bad'...scratch that,
if you do take a weekly trip to the closest mall, then you wont
look 'bad'.
Since day one i was taught beauty is pain, age of 5 i sat myself down
for about 3 or so hours to have my hair
- which was much, much too long- brushed, and braided
individually. I'm sure i cried, i was just a bit of a wuss for pain,
but in the sake of beauty, it was worth it.
Its a shame really what you'll do to look 'good'.
And by you, i mean we, and by we i really mean me.
Can we get away?
Far away...
Let’s leave this place
Will you come with me?
Are you down...
To turn your world around
Its you and me tonight...
Leave it all behind
Let’s go for a ride...

but i'm tired of the lying, tired of fighting you.

Chances are, in your lifetime you haven't spent much time thinking about Immanuel Kant. This is likely because of the fact he was an 18th century philosopher from Germany. He spent most of his time thinking, instead of watching television, this is partially because of the fact that living the the 18th century, didn't involve television to watch. He had this idea that if the brain could only think in a form of causality -which he was later able to prove correct- then we are able to know, before even testing an object, that it must have some sort of cause, or reason for being there. This also meant that everyone had some reason or another for being here, this would make anyone feel pretty damned important to know that they were good for something. To know we have a purpose for being here. The main problem is that most people never find out this reason for being here, we're all either too busy planting our faces in front of television cassettes. Those that aren't pay too little attention to see the amazing things happening around them. Muriel Rukeyser once said "The universe is made up of stories, not of atoms". Its a nice thought, maybe every one's purpose is to create a story, every one a little different.

She bleeds and she cries but shes only denied.

For the first time in her life she can feel hunger scratching at her insides. She doesn't like it, she tries to fight it, oh she tries to fight it. But she loses the internal battle with herself. For the first time in her life she can't even think straight because of the pains occurring inside of her. Searching the cupboards but she's denied, told not to eat past ten pm, its bad for her body, it'll make her fat. For once she actually needs someone to talk to, but of course the one person she needs is out of site, just for the moment of course. So she sits in a dark, and lonely corner, clutching at her sides, once again. Trying to hold her body shut from breaking apart from the pains occurring in her stomach. Nails are digging into her skin, once again, but this time there's no one there to save her. No one to hold her tight through all of the shaking, to hold her hand as she attempts to hide the cries. She's all alone in the world, just for the moment, and she knows it, but at the moment, she's still very, very alone.

And we could sit around and cry but frankly your not worth it anymore.

Staring down the drain, causing a flash back of nearly 9 months ago,
or an immense feeling of deja vu. This shouldn't be happening,
i shouldn't be here in this place, alone on a cold bathroom floor. Girls
shouldn't be wasting their teen years in depression, and suicide,
no one should. So you're likely thinking to yourself,
asking yourself if she did, even though you already know the
answer. Shes sorry, and you know it, but she just cant stand looking
the the mirror everyday, and hating herself for it. Wiping tears
away almost every time she sees her bare body, She just wants
it gone. All of it, the bump that she's sucked in every day of
her life for the past five or six years. The jealousy of 90% of the
female population. She hates it, but she can't help it. The body
that is almost perfect, so close, but too far, so she waits, and keeps
struggling through the bad looks, the pains, all of it, just to
get rid of it all. Just for an end. We could cit around and feel
bad for her, but shes not worth it, she doesn't want any one's
attention, she doesn't want any one's pity. She wants less than more
really, less of her body, less of her mind, less of herself. She wants to
care less of what they say, she wants to forget about what it was
like. Just to be ten years old again, then again this personal
discomfort with herself had started long before she was ten.
Well sometimes it burns
Baby I'll wash it out
It all look so big
Never mind, I don't feel anything

Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're leaving and
Thin, where the hell have you been?

You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You'll be in my heart, Always.

This house isn't my home, these people aren't my family.
I walk solemnly through these halls watching them
as if through a TV screen. This isn't my favourite show,
but i'll watch it anyways, as if i have a choice, though.
This isn't my favourite show, but i'll watch so intently to the point
where i almost believe its real. But its nothing more than a show.
Father reading to son, my favourite book that once upon a time
was read to me before bed.
A mother playing with her child, talking to her as if she understands
what the words mean. I turn my head on the world,
i turn my back on this house. I don't want to be here,
i would kill to get out just for a night, just to be alone.
And yet that's the one thing i cant stand. Alone.
Leaving me too my own thoughts, its a horrible feeling,
so small, and lonely, its the only thing i want, but i'm sure
once i have it, i'll be first in line to have it off my back.
Funny how every girl says they will never be "That girl".
The one that finds that one boy, and will never see a friend again,
and yet 98% percent of the female population becomes that girl.
Pathetic how these mood swings go through me like sugar through
a 4 year old. I'll be... almost happy,
and the smallest of things can happen,
and its all down hill after that. Within a matter of minutes
i'll be on the break of tears, and wont even know why.
Its pathetic.
These nails plastered onto my fingers, fake. Like everyone, and thing
else in the teenage population. You cant cross the damned street
without a label being thrown at you. I'm starting to hate
this life all over again. Its all fake,
and yet its the only things keeping us sane.
Anything to hide from, anything at all is good enough.
Its disgusting the reasons people have for fighting these days.
Jealousy, the biggest of the bunch.
Its even more pathetic than myself.
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
'Cause you have that effect on me, you do

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okayAnd I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine

And then a hero comes along, With the strength to carry on.

That beautiful girl i once knew ate a
poisoned apple and turned into the witch.
Her bright eyes faded into the night, and are cold as stone,
she trusts no one but herself, and even that i'm unsure of.
Rumors rule her life, there's no editing, proof reading, nothing.
This fairy tail story i was so sure of faded into a very dark,
and cold place. Too many lies to count, promises broken,
or kept. Depending on who, or when you're taking about.
Sure its still a bit of a fairy tale, but it turned from Sleeping Beauty,
to Romeo and Juliet.
Although i'm sure my death will be of a different story.
And no one will be there to save me, or to die too,
then again i'd rather not be the cause of an innocent death.
Besides, anyone that matters will be too busy waiting for someone
else to notice.

She doesn't deserve to be in a place like this,all alone,Shes underage and so very very brave.

Moments like this there's nothing i want more than to go back in time, even for a short hour or so. I'd do just about anything to be back there in the safety of blankets and bodies. Of course, as i attempt to open the door, its locked, to my advantage, or disadvantage? I could head back, come back later in the morning. Honestly, its obvious my warm bed-alone-is going to be much colder than an actually cold bed with someone you there to warm you up.

You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade.

Early January, and yet i'm walking home in the cold, all to avoid
someone i shouldn't. Funny how for once there's no clouds in the sky,
probably because they're all inside my head fogging everything up.
Later that night i'm sitting in a circle of people
that i should be thrilled to be with, but i'm not.
The only person i want to be with lately
doesn't want me, so i thought.
Even though, eventually that special someone rolls up
with perfect timing, i'm leaning up against L. which
immediately leads to an awkward "hey", and nothing else.
So finally shes here, and i can't stand it,
the distance between us, the awkward silence,
especially considering i cant tell if shes just being quiet,
or really wants to be somewhere else.
I want to talk, but the words wont come,
i don't even know that they were, but they sure as
hell weren't coming out any time soon. So i sat there
with this pained look on my face i'm sure,
thinking about every little detail of the past few days.
It all looked the same, dark.
What if i had been facing the wall like the past 2 hours?
Would she have realised how wrong it all was? Would she have left?
Laying in bed with K. and E., suddenly the
cloud of confusion either fades away,
or grows darker, i couldn't really tell. She sits on
the edge of the bed, as far away as physically possible, and yet
i still feel the warmth that comes with her. Just now
i realise how long it has been gone,
much longer than i thought it was.
At least i've finally realised why the cold i feel
has nothing to do with the winter nights. The body heat
coming from this frail body is less than enough
to keep the shaking away. So we talked, and you held me tight,
hoping to stop the things already in my mind i'm sure.
Long story short, i got my birthday wish this year.
By the end of the long day i'm standing in a steaming shower,
and notice the water pouring down a mark on my bare skin.
Its a shame, really. Nail marks sketched into my skin, inflected by myself,
lines down my naked legs from too small jeans, that i still
refuse to throw away, and the scars burned into my wrist.
At least the blue line of veins is starting to reappear,
they're faint, but they're more than a memory now.
The smoothness of my skin is gone now too though,
then again so is the blood.

Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner,Now everything's cool as long as I’m getting thinner.

You know that feeling you get in your gut,
that feels like butterflies, but isn't? That's what i have,
that's what i always have. Well, only when i eat.
No wonder why though, its this little craving inside of me,
the voice in the back of my head.
I noticed today that i've lost 3 pounds in the past couple days,
and believe me, i was excited. that is up until i realised
i'm still at least 10 away from my goal. Pathetic little girl.
Long story short, i didn't do it, i figured i owed her that much.
I...attempted to make a promise, and honestly,
she deserves that i at least keep part of it.
Especially considering it took me less than
20 minutes to fuck up the other half of this promise.
I promise i'm trying, but who knows how well that'll go.
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And do you honestly expect me to believe, that we could ever be the same.

Note to the editor, the editor being the only person who cares,
excuse me, cared. Funny how i knew this was coming,
so i've had that line in my head for the past week.
Up until yesterday morning when i actually
realised what it all meant. So it happened,
like i knew it would, and i did things i knew i would
regret at some point. But not now.
So note to the editor, i'd advise you not to read
from this point on, because believe me, its not your type of story.
I'm so sorry for the honest truth,
and i'm so sorry for shaking in your arms,
and for making you hold back on what you truly wanted to do.
But honestly, i don't blame you for doing it.
I still want you, more than you could imagine,
and right now considering the state i'm in, i should
probably want you to hurt more than the burning slits
on my wrist do. But i don't, i want you to smile,
to be happy. To go on with your life like
you were before i ever came and ruined it.
After what i put you through it was completely understandable.
And when your fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you,
you're gunna believe 'em.
Even when i'm thirty, i'm still gunna beleive it though.

'Cause when your 15, and somebody tell you they love you, you're gunna believe 'em.

sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM: well॥one day late sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM:
Happy birthday...
ѕнαєℓєєєℓιzαвєтн++♥ says (6:16 PM):
Gee thanks


Ya know what, fuck you, do you not know how to pick up a phone?
Sorry, but you don't get the fucking option of being a friend.
Your supposed to be my dad. But your not.
Too fucking bad your not "prepared" for this,
you've had nearly 16 fucking years to prepare your self.
Time well waisted.
Do you not have a fucking clue? Probably about half on my childhood,
most likely more was ruined because of everything you put me through.
I'm sick of waiting for you to fucking care. To fucking come back
into my life.
Fuck wasting too many tears to count on you. Except,
ya know that's what i've been saying the past three years.

Hey, Stripper! I wanna be your mister.

Gee thanks,
Happy fucking birthday ass hole.

99 red balloons go by

tonight my lungs are hanging from a telephone wire.

They bring you up to do like your daddy done, Me and Mary we met in high school, when she was just seventeen.

January 7/2009 10:48pm

Nights like these i just want to kill myself. Baby's screams in the background- except, ya know, the baby monitor is barely 5 fucking ft away. So its more like baby screaming in my ear. Adding the horrible pounding feeling you get when a bad headache gets worse.
Hating my life. Hating my friends. Hating my family.
Obviously i'm not wanted anywhere, especially not here. We fight about the fucking dumbest shit. I got yelled at for going to school today. For fucking going to school. I feel useless, abandoned, pathetic. Failing at one of the few things I like to do. Getting yelled at for not knowing how to do fucking shit. Well i'm sorry i never learned. Sorry no one ever took the fucking time to lend 30 seconds to teach me. So fucking sorry i wasn't the perfect baby, perfect teenager, perfect person in general. Never was. Always fucking failing everything. I'm pretty sure i've never been the best at anything either. No, i know i haven't.
Sorry.

Me and my heart we got issues. Don't know if i should hate you, or miss you.

I feel like i'm in too deep, like i feel that i need this more than i really do. That i need this more than anyone else would. I crave it. Not that i'm not having the feelings returned, but... i don't know. I just feel like a little puppy, who refuses to be alone. The way i always want to be near you, to talk to you, just to have some sort of contact. Its pathetic. The way you're always on my mind. Or its like i'm lost at sea, and the only thing on my mind is getting home, except its not exactly home i'm thinking of. Well, in a way you are like home, depending on what exactly you consider home, not the place you live, but a place that you know you're safe. You're the closure and safety, the warm fireplace and white picket fence i've always dreamed off. The things that the girl always gets in those movies, but never in reality. Turns out i do get a bit of a happily every after, for the time being. But, even though i know how you feel, i still don't believe it, i still cant help thinking that i'm in this more than i should be. I can't help but worrying about the worst, the worst things possible, of course that's what i think, but still deny. They're there in my mind, but i'm trying hard to think otherwise. I know that your not like that, that you wouldn't be the kinda of person to do that, but its hard. Hard after one too many broken promises.

So since I'm not your everything, How about I'll be nothing? Nothing at all to you.

smiles aren't fabricated, they are real,
just hard to find behind all the layers of sadness.
and love isn't impossible to find when still surrounded by happiness.

you haven't let your sun burn out,
but the dark is fading to black.
you haven't lost your will, but soon enough
you'll loose your grip on life.
and when you do promise you wont forget about me,
forget that promise i made, forget the promise i made you make.
just promise me you wont.

So go ahead and get gone,Call up that chick, and see if shes home,Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know.

2009.
lets make it good.
lets not let our emotions take over,
and fuck up our lives.
lets not ruin friendships, lives, and love.
lets not forget our pasts,
and the friends we once cherished.
lets just make it worth the while.