Today I heard that someone left this earth, That someone disappeared left no mark here.

79 days.
79 days of holding everything in.
Its too many days of depression, aggravation, sadness to happiness,
its just too many. Too much of refusing to let anything out,
to breathe in some fresh, clean air, to actually trust anyone with
the things going through my mind, even myself.
I can't believe i actually thought i could handle all of this,
its obvious i was completely wrong.
Its funny how much trust i put into others, how sure i am
that they won't fall through.
Its funny how wrong i am.
Spending longer than i would have thought possible
for myself getting ready, all just to be let down.
Happy fucking New Years. While you're out there with your friends,
making memories that i doubt you will remember,
guess what i was doing?
Guess what i spent the last day of possibly the worst year yet doing.
Even though i was so determined to make this night make up for the
suicides, from the eating disorders, to the friend losses.
What a loser eh? I spent the last night of the year curled up in bed,
crying.
Hating life, new years included, but mostly new years,
although hating myself was included, so i zoomed in on that.
Telling myself things i new would hurt, words i new would burn
holes in my mind, and put cuts my wrists,
letting the ruby red blood flow freely.
Staining the outfit i so proudly put together,
ruining the sheets to the carpets.
No wonder you're here alone, no one ever wanted to fucking waste their time with you.
Useless. Pathetic. Unwanted.
So happy fucking New Years. Some friends i have, all out having fun,
getting wasted, leaving myself completely forgotten about.
Well... dont you have any other friends you could hang out with?
Ha. I allmost smirked, what friends? The ones that either completely
forgot about me, or the ones that didn't forget, just didn't care?
Today I heard that someone just got up and left himself
Lying on the ground.

I'm a little bit insecure from all of this mistreatment.

Packing my bags with as much as possible,
i've always loved the feeling,
throwing things in a school backpack. Folding everything 10 times
smaller than it needs to be, just to enable room for more.
Feels like running away. Feels like a new beginning.
Funny how shes thinking the exact same thoughts as the ones
running through my mind. Almost.
This feels like we're running away
I know...i love it
Why? I hate this feeling.
Its starting over, a new beginning.
Few memories of my childhood still linger in my head. One of them
sticks out most, like a neon sign in the middle of the night.
Another fight with my mother, no idea what about though,
bawling in my room, holding my Hunchback of Notre Dam barbies
dearly. Attempting to write a note saying i had run away,
and wouldn't be coming back.
I was four.
After too much frustration of not being able to write a
note that would be actually readable to anyone besides myself,
i settled to crying at my window like
Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
The neighbors, a group of teens who at the time were my best
friends, after moving into Elise's house, who was my last, and
possibly still, my best friend.
They hollered up trying to figure out what was wrong,
i think i called back louder than needed hoping my mother would
hear me complaining. As far as i remember she didn't.

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes, Dear Prudence, see the sunny skyes.

Merry fucking Christmas. Letting her down, again, broken promises, again. Battling a food disorder still, after promising one too many times that i'll stop. I want to say i did some research for hours last night, but i can't, 15 minutes top, i sure seem to give a shit about myself. I remember reading something about to keep, or in my case get some self esteem in the first place, people need to do things that they like, or are good at. I like dancing, so i spent about an hour dancing to upbeat music in my bra, feeling extremely sexy, followed by some drawing, which i like to think i'm good at. I like to think i'm helping myself, that this is a good step, but its happened so many times before, and yet here i am. Wallowing in this desperation. Begging for this to end, for it to be like flipping a switch, on and off. I'm trying to flip the switch, but i cant reach it. pathetic metaphor I know, but at the moment its all i've got, and i plan to hold on to it for as long as possible.

And i just can't take these tears, i hate this part right here.

I hate not being able to do shit to make it better,
i hate being this pathetic little girl who will
moan when saying her name,
but still cant do shit to help.
Just sitting on the sidelines,
searching through my mind
for a way to help.
All i know is little bits and pieces of what
happened last year round this time,
and honestly, there's nothing i can think of to help.
Looking at a faded photograph,
seeing her smile, just wishing there was i way i could
put that smile there again.
Find a way to make it stay,but i know i couldn't.
Really now, i think i would honestly
do anything, give up anything just to know
she was safe, and happy.
Just to know that none of these
thoughts would be on her mind.
Sadly there's nothing i can do now is there?
No. Of course not.
Just that pathetic little girl,
watching from the side lines.

And did you really look my way? 'Cause noone could have seen this coming.

I'm disgusted with you, who you are, what you've become.
Two fucking little chicken legs, and you feel sick to your stomach.
You eat less than your barely 5 years old brother.
Fucking 5 years old.
You clench your stomach not just in disgust, but in pain.
Your body cant even handle the fucking smallest things.
Two little cookies fill you up, even when its all
you've eaten at 2'clock in the afternoon.
A handful of french fries, and your done for the night,
Again, your sick to your stomach. Pathetic.
In a day you barely eat one meal's worth.
7am-11pm half the time,and only a handful or two of food.
Even then you still can hardly keep it down,
she was right, eventually your body wont be able to handle anything.
Just thinking about it makes me sick, that's how bad this is.
That's how pathetic you are,
that's how much of a horrible person you are.
Why cant you just fucking stop? If it hurts me this much,
just imagine what it does to them...
You say you cant stop, your trying,
but you don't know if you can stop, well why the hell not?
This is all self inflicted, your doing this to yourself,
so just fucking quit. You're putting everyone around you in pain.
Pulling everyone you love down with you.
Down this dark hole of pain, worries, and sadness.
You've obviously forgotten about her, what this does to her.
You claim to love her, and yet your putting her through all this pain.
You've dug yourself one hell of a hole,
and i almost wish you would die in it.
Because honestly, for what your putting everyone through,
you deserve it. No, you don't deserve that, you should have
to stay here in pain for what your doing to them.
Dieing would let you off the hook, but just put everyone
else around you in more pain.

Someone come, Someone come and save my life, Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead.

I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worste way.

I want to know where you were one year ago,
I want to be where you were one year ago.
Who were you a year from now?
I dont even know who i was one year from now.
I wish i was there one year ago.
Maybe i would remember me one year ago.
Remember my dreams, my friends, my thoughts.
Because honestly, i dont have a clue,
Its all been lost, everything i held so dear.
Looking through these old shoe boxes as rain falls down,
splashing away the memories i no longer have.

This is my grownup christmas list.

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need
help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list

Do you remember me,
Back in time to the days of childhood
I dont even know how you could
The days of just you and me
Father and daughter, in front of the fire place
Dreaming of days in space
The stars and the moon,
The sun and the clouds.
Crying so loud and yet no one would hear
Yet noone would see the rain turned into tear
I still remember this
The days of love and bliss
Remember dreaming of you coming home
When no little girl would be alone
Waking up to a big bear hug
Cuddling up so nice and snug
A tale as old as time,
Father and daughter, happily ever after.
Happily every after.
What a story, what a tale
Too much of a lie for a small girl so frail.

Cus i will die for you, on sky way avenue.

Sitting here in this cold dark room, surrounded by smiles,
but none meet their eyes.
Nothing but lies, false accusations of the truth.
Watching my life, dreams, and friends crumble down all around me.
Well no, not my friends, i'm surrounded by their happiness,
by their dreams coming out from the dark,
coming out of hiding.
Reading of things i don't even care for, not that i have a choice.
Welcome to the teenage years, forced to do things you don't want,
to be something you never dreamed of,
to be someone you never dreamed of.
So i keep trying, keep begging,
down on my hands and knees,
hoping, begging, and crying for it to happen,
or to end. Whichever works out better.
Just so sick of everyone, the shit that somehow crosses their minds,
and comes out their mouths.
Hating the teenage population as a whole,
And yet dreading the day when i'm no longer apart of it.
Rumors, lables, and gossip, its all just a load of shit.
You're an emotional little girl they'd say, it doesn't mean a thing,
get your act together and get over it.

Why do I put myself in these situations, I keep pushing myself even though i can't take it all.

rofl.

This nights a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

I'm sick of depression.

I'm sick of lying.

I'm sick of wanting.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of my body.

I'm sick of the World.

I'm sick of the damage being done everywhere.

I'm sick of society.

I'm sick of being a teenager.

I'm sick of every god damned eating disorder.

I'm sick of being used.

I'm sick of being told i'm useless.

I'm sick of school.

I'm sick of family.

I'm sick of trying too hard to be cool.

I'm sick of this numbness.

I'm sick of the rumors.

I'm sick of those damn populars

I'm sick of being worthless.

I'm sick of me.
I'm sick of you.

I'm sick of life.

I want to cry, but she would die if she knew.

Another two weeks go by, with an eternity on the hips.
What?No you refuse to think like this, your not one of them.
Refuse to be sucked into the horror filled light,
that eerie glow that causes everything to look oh so different.
Girl, your not one of them, stop pretending.stop lying to yourself.
But still another two weeks go by, with an eternity on the hips.
Another wasted dream wasted in the night, unfulfilled,useless.
Its a dark night out there, but the stars light it up, creating
this mass allusion of safety.
But dreams are useless so they say.
Just like you. Pathetic little idiot girl, your not even of age.
What makes you think anyone could love you, what makes you think
that you could make it in the world?
What was that? You have a dream, do you?
Well who the hell doesn't, its a big world out there,
if you want to do, or be anything useful in this life,
you better work hard. You want to be known,
get your name out there, well your not fucking Paris Hilton.
Have you seen your body? This wont come easy.
You have to work harder than you have for anything else,
you have to starve yourself to the point of perfection.
You need serious help girlie, so you've heard, but by the end of this week
nothing will be the same. Not knowing if you want to or not,
but apparently you need to. That's all you know, that they want this,
personally you couldn't care less about the effect on you,
but as long as they get this feeling of safety, and closure, you will be happy.
Its a shame that your the one going in though, your the one
who's hand they'll be holding. But its their hand's your squeezing.
"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

And now i've had enough of all the hating. Do we even care, is someone there?

I remember when we were 8 years old, sitting on your bed, talking about shit we barely remember. For some reason we were talking about our favourite colours, yours were green and blue, mine were purple...and pink? You said something about pink being my favourite colour, and how that made me girlier. Thinking about it now, i think thats the funniest thing, considering my girly level is pretty low. My favourite colours are still purple, but red instead of pink. Does that have anything to do with it? These little things create who we are, little things like favourite colours, or the pets we have growing up. Remember my cat? Your family had to watch him for a week, and Cameron would be holding him wrong. Hold my baby wrong. What a spaz eh cuz? Aha, you always hated it when i called you that. Too childish you'd say. We were so close, you meant the world to me, what happened? Family, moving, fighting, all that dumb jazz. Shitty eh?

its the first kiss, it flawless, its really something.

your and idiot girl, do you know that?
i don't regret it, not in the least, i meant those words,
i swear on my life i do. i've been thinking about it night
and day for a while now, wanting to say them so badly. i
was afraid, i don't know why, or even of what, but i was.
but now i'm furious with myself, tossing and turning through out
the night about what to do know. i don't regret it, not in the least.
but saying it in the state that i was in
was just about the dumbest thing in the world.
i wanted those words to be important, to mean something, not just
slurred mumbles between my lips. i'm an idiot, such an idiot,
but its good that i know it, be able to make up for my mistakes.
i love you babe.
Are you aware of what you said to me earlier?
mhmm....but i'm not sure if i will in the morning, but i meant it.

In your brown eyes, walked away.

You hate your body,
but you love to dance.
So baby lets get drunk,
n'swing those hips to the flow.
And lets pretend that nobody knows.

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.

i hate Christmas music.
why?
i just... i don't know
alright scrooge
sorry.
the feeling of waking up to a false reality, a false story line, a false family.i hate it all. loathing every little girl who jumps into daddy's arms Christmas morning, or any morning for that matter, and yet craving the same reality all the same. still, i'll plaster this smile wrapping paper on my face every morning, not wanting to ruin it for myself, but mainly for anyone else. i vaguely remember the past few birthdays, and Christmases, watching the phone, and waiting for him to call. balling my eyes out the rest of the night when i finally realise i wont be hearing from him for at least another year. spending birthdays sitting in front of this very screen, happy 14th girly, daddy forgot the big day, again. merry Christmas, cramming a month's worth of calories, fat and sugar down my throat, but knowing there's no way i can keep it all down this year. apparently its genetic, having this pathetic low self esteem, but honestly i can't wonder why. i stand there trying not to show how much it hurts when even she would bug me about my weight, and my size, even though i feel like throwing up just thinking about it. knowing the next time i look at this horrible body of mine, i'll cry just by looking at myself. cry myself to sleep with more useless tears, little raindrops af pain smearing down my face.

and i'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete.

"i hate this, this feeling. feeling so vulnerable towards one person, feeling like they have control over everything you say, everything you do. when only they're words matter, not anybody elses, or anything anybody else does. everything they do just seems more important. i hate it, so much. yet i love the other side of the feeling too, the side that gives you butterflies. the side that makes you feel wanted, important. the side that brings you those moments, that you never want to forget, never want to let go of. the perfect moments, when time stands still. "
-Char

Now come on,baby, shake it, Like you mean it, Now take it, Like i need it.

Laying there on her lap, as her body
warmth slowly starts to affect me,
coming in and out of consciousness. Barely
picking out distinct words
the others are murmuring back and forth.
Opening my eyes to see hers staring down
straight into mine, apparently i was wrong before.
This is true happiness. Fingers entwined,
curled up in a little ball, on the break of passing out,
but refusing to miss a single moment of any of this.
Sooner than it should, 2am rolls around
causing grumbles and dumb comments
from myself which i can't even remember the following morning.
As i'm writing this down i'm thinking that there should
be some sort of meaningfulness to this entry, but there's none.
Nothing to sound smart, or classy, just rambling words like
the little girl i am. But i'm okay with that, i don't need
some big quote to live by throughout my life.
I just need this happiness which, i've got. So i know i'm okay.

You Dance Like a Queen, Despite of All The Things You Never Wanted.

Jealousy hits hard as she runs after Blondie.
Hard like the concrete smashing
at that meth addicts head. I know its pathetic, but i'm at
the point where i don't even care.
Well, that's a lie, i do care, allot. Its ridiculous how much
of an impact T. has on me. On these horrible
emotions burning inside me. I already know how
much she cares, if shes willing to lay with me, cradle my
tears, and hold me strong enough to stop the shaking, she must care,
she must. She wants him to rot in hell for what he did to me,
but she doesn't understand it. He already is, its a living hell walking
through each day on Earth. He's allready living his hell, as are most of us.
I need to read more, it helps my writing, gives me words i never
knew i had. I crave happiness, its healthy for my art,
tears smudge my pictures. But i refuse to let my potential be
flushed down the toilet. No pun intended 'eh babe?
I want to scream out loud. Scream at myself for all the horrible
thoughts going through my mind, that built up this
big ugly wall of protection. Waitta go girl, now you're
stuck and theres no getting out. These concrete walls are 10ft.
tall and i'm stuck inside of this little box. Theres nothing left to
do but cowar in a dark corner, hide from the world,
hide from my mistakes. Looking through a
shoebox of memories, peices of time that somehow slipped my
mind in the past year or so slowly start to come back to me.
I miss those days of bliss, and happiness, having a smile
painted on my face.
The good 'ole days truely never end, just fade slightly bit by bit.
"An English 11 classroom. Girls, have you ever been out there, sucking off
and old man's prick, seeing the ugliness behind the concealing blackness,
legs tottering on heels? It frightens you too much, doesn't it, the men
stopping and the woman bending over, needing money to pay for the fleeting
happiness that all of us snatch at: that one thread in the neon darkness.
When the cars stopped you always hoped it would be different, that somebody
would step out and hold you and stop the shaking."

Romeo Take Me Somewhere We Can Be Alone, I'll Be Waiting.

September '07

Sick of all the drama,
Rumors that they start.
Sick of all them trying,
To mess with my heart.
The things that they do,
People that they hurt.
I'm amazed that none have realised
That they're all just being jerks.
I try to be so happy,
Put a smile on my face.
But deep down i want to be just like them,
So i eat nothing on my plate.
The pain inside i can not help
it aches and pains,
and tears my apart.

When i'm with you, i'll make every second count cus i miss you.

Whats wrong with me?These things aren't supposed to happen.
These things don't happen.
I don't want a fairy tale story, but a life that
i could actually live through would be nice.
Maybe a nice white picket fence surrounding
the words creating and shaping my life.
No horses, or Prince Charming,
But love and happiness.
Not scare dome, worrying, and fear.
I'm tired of this life, of being put down,
used, feeling useless, unwanted,
and basically every other horrible thing you could think of.
I don't want to do this anymore, i don't think i can.
See ya life, it was nice while it lasted,
but it stopped long, long ago, whatever it was.
Stopped having a meaning, a use,
the only feelings i can handle
are the blades digging into my finger tips.

But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy.

She says your just like she was when she started,
numerous times a day. Its not a bad thing, but its funny,
according to you.
You just have allot to write about,
there's allot going on in the big head of yours.
Dreams, nightmares, plus the few
bits of reality you can catch, and keep.
So this is happiness?Wow, baby girl, you've been missing out,
hard core. Depression has always bin all you've ever known,
its all you've ever felt safe in, the only thing you could control.
The only thing you've ever been able to keep.
Moving numerous times, family changing constantly,
the depression was something you had a hold on.
Funny how after moving, taking a new lifestyle,
like changing outfits, you changed lives.
So its pretty funny after all this time, you still hadn't gotten used to change.
"Dancing on the bed while the record spins.
A packet of old love letters wrapped in a ribbon.
Oh, baby, blow me a kiss."

They say that kid has got soul, every where that you go.

You say skank, but your the one with bruises on your neck.
Bruises from the past, some preparing for the future,
but most are from your past.
Rape, suicide attempts, and even the odd eating disorder or two,
broken hearts, stitched up and reopened again,
just to be put back together. But only by someone
willing to find the missing pieces.
To you this is normal, but to most, this is the farthest thing from
reality. Your afraid of an 'ordinary' life, its keeps you
cowering in the darkest corner barely visible to even your eyes.
Its funny how the best thing you can find on your body,
are bight marks. Nothing painful, but it brings in a unique beauty,
definitely nothing 'ordinary', and that's how you like it,
that's how this is supposed to be, how your supposed to be.
You say you want to be different, its what you most crave in life,
that and to be loved, which has long gone been met.
But despite your craving, you've still fallen in the crowd,
gotten lost among everyone, like an ant lost in an ant hill,
nothing more than ant, come and go, give and take.
Just waiting for your time to shine, for the sun to move
just an inch or two to your little bubble of amusement.
Tired of waiting, tired of cowering, well in a sort,
still refusing to be anything close to 'ordinary',
whatever the hell that is. Blond hair, blue eyes,
that perfect little figure, complete with a perfect loving family,
and definitely the perfect loving boyfriend, who's what?
Captain of the fucking football team?Fuck that, you'd
much rather be sitting here, eating a tub of ice cream,
with your perfect girlfriend, who just happens to live down the road.
Perfect eh? But in all reality, you need a wake up call,
need to get something done, something big,
something new, and all, in 100%, you.
Your gonna make it big girl, just you wait and see.
Soon the world will know your name, and in the end,
all the dreaming, waiting, and maybe even a teensy bit of the cowering
will have made it worth the while, worth the wait.
Just you wait girl.
My tears run down like razorblades,
And no, I'm not the one to blame.
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say,
Come out and now we're all ashamed.
And there's no sense in playing games,
When you've done all you can do.

I need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water, need to grow older with a girl like you.

I'm a visual reader, that's why this hurts so much,
being able to leave this low level life, create a new one.
These words hurt, and i hate it.
ihateitihateitihateit.
The lump in my throat it gives me,
the way i can feel the heat rising to my face,
its horrible.
Reading these words, my words, your words.
its sucks.
So tomorrow, when your wondering why
i can't even look you in the eyes,
i think now its pretty obvious.
i feel pathetic, and worthless just because of this,
because of my own thoughts.
I still stay up and night pondering
how anyone could love me,
with real feelings, or even as a friend,
how any one could ever put up with this.
Put up with all my fucked up mood swings,
my fucked up, horribly proportioned body,
and the things i do to it.
These are the mysteries that keep me up at night,
the nightmares that keep me turning
back and forth throughout the night.
I've read too many words...
too many words about how you love her,
how you always will...
"i love you. don't ever, ever forget it."
I can't even wrap my young, adolescent mind
around you not feeling that way.
I feel unbelievably horrible for letting you read these words,
but you say you want to know, and i'm so, so sorry.
You shouldn't be hurt by these things lurking out from
this dark pit inside of me, i shouldn't be letting them come out.
But we've already discovered that i cant control myself.
Promise you'll forgive me?
I'm sorry, i did not mean to hurt my little girl.
Its beyond me, i can not carry the weight of a heavy world.
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight,

I tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge.

There's a feeling i get when i'm scared, i know something bad is about to happen.
My skin gets hot, my pulse races through my body, and a lump
appears in my throat, just to make it even more impossible for the air being
pushed through my lungs to come out.
My feeble little fingers start shaking, so i try so hard to control myself,
so you wont notice, so you wont feel bad,
partly so i wont feel bad for making you feel that way.
I'm ashamed of myself for letting my fear get that bad,
for letting those thoughts even enter my mind.

Every day i sit here waiting, every day just seems so long.

blood pouring like little red, murderous raindrops.
blades scraping at skin like there's no tomorrow,
hacking away at old memories, just to create new ones.
wanting, needed, pleading to feel something, anything at all.
this endless sorrow hes helped you create is too much.
you want a new pain, one that has nothing to do with him,
something self inflicted.
It's almost a source of independence really.
shooting yourself before he gets the chance,
if given the chance would he take it?
definitely, he wants you here as much as you do.
there's another way to look at this,
this pain your inflicting upon yourself is nothing new.
after all, the only thing you feel these days, besides the rain down your neck,
is the pain he's caused you.
sure-its only emotional, but you're only human,
you'll forget about his tricks, and let it happen all over again.
better make physical pain, just to make sure you never forget.
of course, he'll never know, no one will, everyone will forget,
forget about the pain, and suffering- forget about you completely.
lets make it final babe, pop those pills like candy, drink your booze like soda,
take a nap and never wake, forever dreaming.
life never seemed to real for you, too many mixed emotions,
too many people, too many places, too much for you, just one big horrible dream.
maybe death wouldn't be so bad, you always liked dreaming,
hopefully these dreams will be better.

Saying now i pray for rain.

As a new, fresh wave of depression slowly starts to hit,
i try so hard to fight it, for it to mean nothing.
So i wont be affected by this,
For it to affect no one.
I don't get it! Why does this hurt so much?
Why does this happen so often?
Why me?
Is it one of those cheap ass karma riddles?
I've had enough happiness?
Time to pay up

Dont wanna be my friend no more, i wanna be somebody else.

"What i am going to do to you Shaelee?"

You don't know how much that hurts
You don't know what i go through every day
But i'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry i'm not your perfect child
I'm sorry I don't get perfect grades
And that i'm not a perfect student
I'm sorry that i don't do everything or anything perfect
But most of all...
I'm sorry i'm not perfect
And since i'm not i might as well not try to be
Because nothing i ever do will be perfect enough for you.

December.22/07

I guess thats what i guess for wishful thinking,

Attention!Attention!

The oldest of facts;;

Welcome to a world

where only the pretty

and popular survive.

what a shame for everyone else

to know why their

children, family, and friends

have died.

but what do we do?

sit back and watch the show

where only the pretty and popular

survive.

April. 23/08

I dont wanna smoke all these cigarettes and wine.

Tears of mass destruction

run down her face.

Streaming like a river,

with beauty of the ocean.

No one sees her,

no one cares.

Unknown beauty forever gone.

May.10/08

And you'll regret, everything you put me through.

Remember sweetie, we love you.
'Its the thought that counts',
always has bin- no matter what happens.
A husband can beat his wife.
but it doesn't matter because
he loves her.
Mommy can scream at you everyday,
Daddy can ignore you.
But it doesn't matter
because they love you.
Apparently.
Even if they either can't,
or just don't want to show it.
They apparently love you.
May. 13/08

Cross my heart and hope to die

Tell me you love me, dont leave me to die,
cold, alone as i cry,
you dont know, you dont care.
Not now, not ever,
but it doesn't mean a thing to you.
All alone i sit and cry,
with tears you'll never know.
October.12/08

My insides bleed from paper cuts, i bleed from you'r lyrics.

She asks you if your okay, actually causing you to laugh.
You're truly happy for once, and yet
no one thinks its safe to leave you alone, still.
So you spend your day pondering suicide.
pills, knives, and poison.
Its funny how your in such an amazing mood,
yet, you're still able think these thoughts.
So you put a smile on your face, but cant figure out if
its to create another allusion, or if your actually happy.
Eventually you land on a reason for this lasting depression,
or whatever the hell you can call this.
music, family, friends.
About 80percent of your play list is sad,
everything you write is sad.
Almost suggesting cutting all of that out of your life, you simply laugh.
Words and music, its all you have,
So you hold on tight, hoping that you never let go,
convincing yourself that its okay.
Its gunna be okay.
its gotta be okay.
You're beautiful, Every little piece love,
and don't you know, You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone.

Oh no, dont go changing, thats what you told me from the start.

My mother screams at me, trying to pound
the abnormalities of this through my thick skull. Digging, scratching,
pounding away, my father is
nowhere to be seen, lost in the dark abyss
Is this normal? I don't get it, i wont get it.
Families are supposed to be loving, caring,
a place to feel safe. This feels more like a living hell. Whatever
happened to fairy tale endings?
Whoever though up happily ever after, was so, so wrong.
The good old days, when all girls feared was getting cooties from the cute boys at school,
now its an endless battle just to stay in one piece.
I've lost the battle.
There are pieces of my body, my mind, me,
lying freely though out this bright lighted city. Lighting up the dark night with the
excitement i wasn't able to keep in myself.
Please, someone get me out of here!
I can't handle this torturous world any longer.
Rejection lurking around every corner i turn,
waiting to pounce, taking me down with any given chance.
Black cloaks drenched with black, icy rain.
Too much irony.
Black tears resemble the black smoke, flying
through the sky coming up from the candles lighting up the dark night.
A give and take, love hate situation, smoke for rain,
tears for pain. What about blood? If i drain my body of my
blood, what will i receive in return? More pain, included with much more rain?
Its a package deal, treat me like shit, that's what you'll receive.
With age comes responsibility, not respect.
You get, what everyone else gets, you get a life time

Who will drive my soul?

You starve yourself to the point of perfection.
Draining every ounce of power,
Every ounce of self esteem.
You are what you eat,
Does that make me nothing?
Useless.
A distorted piece of matter,
Lingering in this world, only until my time runs out.
How long do i have until this goes too far?
I jump into his arms,
smiling at his first words,
"You're lighter than you used to be,"
I miss this.
best friends, talking about everything,
the cute girl down the road,
turns out i was his cute girl down the road.

and if you get to heaven, i'll be here waiting baby.

November 16/2008

I'm amazed that last night's 'overdose' as
Kaitlyn called it, is still in my system. i'm not shaking,
no that's long over with. my stomach could
explode at any given minute though, with what exactly
i'm not. i've been awake since 7am-its 2pm now.
all i've eaten today is half an apple, which i couldn't even
finish without feeling sick to my stomach,
a cup of coffee at 8, and 4 little individual crackers.
Bobby Joe just came 'round offering might-as-well-be plastic cheese,
figured "what the hell, i can't feel any worse," .
I fear posting this up, knowing that from here out
she knows my every thought, without even wanting to.
its not like i don't want her knowing,
i love knowing she cares actually, but knowing how
much these things hurt her i dread. the fact that my
words brought tears to her eyes was the worst
feeling imaginable. tears that still drip sore, tearing her apart
bit by bit, but broke me instantly.
what i wrote caused that reaction, that reaction made me cringe.
making her feel like a horrible person, a horrible girlfriend.
my horrible girlfriend.
babe, you're so wrong, you are so amazing beyond words.
i still cant believe that you have feelings for a girl like me.
what you said that night, 'i lo...' i still can't even
write it. writing those 3 beautiful words would make it true,
accepted, make me vulnerable,
more that i think i can handle.
i'm afraid to be loved, i put in too much trust too soon,
trust it always broken too soon.
i'm not afraid to trust you babe,
i'm afraid to feel this way about someone, i've never had these feelings,
this feeling of needing.
dry your tears babe, no one wants to see you cry no more,
dry your tears babe, i don't wanna see you hurt no more.

fuck what i said, it dont mean shit now.fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.

November 15/2008

my hands are shaking, i can't figure out exactly why though.
as i'm looking at my distorted body in the school bathroom i notice
my lips quiver and shake. i'm not cold, i'm hot, much too
hot, i have the drugs to thank for this. an empty stomach,
and too many substances for no apparent reason. i'm not sick,
i don't have a headache, i'm just waiting to die, taking pills by the
dozen, hoping death lays beneath the lid of a
now empty bottle, either death, or a major trip. i'm searching for
some Benadryl, sadly none is hiding in a dark cupboard
at home. currently, i'm sitting at my school, on a Saturday,
i'm a good kid, its not like i'm here on detention, its a show.
i sit here in a might as well be corner, with my back facing the rest of the world.
hunched over, my body language just screams
"try it, just try to see what the hell i'm writing.".
my whole body shakes now, i actually have to try to hide it,
especially on stage. the shaking, and the fact i
feel like i could throw up my insides any second, i have
bulimia to thank for that. i can feel my
heart beat pulsing throughout my entire body, from my feet
quivering on the ground, to my rosy cheeks,
inches away from these words. i just took a couple more Ibuprofen
...okay more than a couple-7. add that to the 5 i took about an hour ago,
and the 4 candy coated Tylenol, and you've got a pretty bad mix.
"2 minutes to go"
i hear a woman near by say, she sounds close, but muffled.
"Go get in place everyone."
The bag is ripped and worn, then again now so am i.
take what you wanna,take what you wanna, take what you-
I miss the stupid things, we go to sleep and then,
you wake me up and kick me out at 3am.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

"EEEE!" The one letter word she squeals,
in that ridiculously girly tone-completely not you.
It means so much, for such a simple thing,
so much for such a simple thing.
So much happiness for such a small moment,
perfect, no-almost perfect.
He should know about this, hes the closest thing you've got.
You want to tell him, but can't.
If hes anything like her,
anything at all
he'll never understand.
Maybe one day you might tell him,
try to make him understand, maybe you wont have to try.
Maybe he'll just get how you feel.
The nervous feeling she gives you,
or how no matter what, she always,
no matter what mood your in,
makes you smile.
The way her hand fits so perfectly with yours.
Even when shes done something that normally would have killed your insides,
you can just brush it off, just to make it work out.
Babe, you need this to work out, you've waited so long,
Waited too long.

feeling so crazy, make me skin and bones

head spinning, hands shaking.
i don't know what to think,
anorexic clouds swimming amongst an obese sky.
rainbows cluttering my mind,
this weird logic that you are, that we are.
a feeling of safety, and closure,
i dont know what to think of it, except that i need it.
i dont want to let it go, i dont think i can let it go.
babe i'm so sorry for what i'm putting you through,
you deserve so much better than this.
i'm trying to stop, i really am. i dont want to hurt you.
"I lock the door, turn on the water, bury that sound,
so no one hears anything anymore, mirrors lie to me,
tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now"

fuck you,stupid hoe,i dont want you back.

you wouldn't even say anything about it.
never. your too much of a sweety for that kind of thing,
you want to make everyone happy.
babe you can't do that, if you want me to be happy,
good for you, but if you want to be happy,thats a whole different story.
your always going to want her, sadly enough,
i dont think there is anything i can do to stop it.
or to stop you doing the things you do with her.
i know this is no big deal, its not like anything really happens.
its only trust, apparantly its not supposed to mean anything,
dont worry, they're tears, i'll shed more.
"wo-womanizer oh your a womanizer baby"

I never thought that i'd get hit by this love bug again.

"i tore the blankets off my bed and threw them
over everything before crawling underneath it myself.
the alcohol still had an edge on my head,
it was halfway between crashed and a hangover and
i snuggled into her back in an attempt to get the warmth flowing faster
....or at least that's why i told myself."
Who the hell do you think you are?
do you seem to think that none of this matters?
You can pretend to want me, but whenever we're together,
just imagine its her? Cus that seems to be all this is for you,
and game or pretend, or dress up.
I always loved playing dress up, pretending to be someone else.
but thats the thing, i would pretend to be someone else,
personally i would rather you not play pretend with me.
Dress me up in those blue eyes and that blond hair.
Make this alright in your eyes.
Dont worry i'll never find out,
and even when i do, it wont matter, i'm too far in to get out.
"Dont tell me if i'm dyeing, cus i dont want to know,
if i cant see the sun, then maybe i should go.
Dont hate me cus i'm dreaming,
or angels on the moon."

Dont tell me if i'm dieing, cus i dont want to know

I love how you make me smile,
And come to see me in the middle
of the night, just to make me smile.
Even though i hate this feeling of denial,
that someone like you would ever, could ever,
have these feeling for someone like me.
I couldn't ever give up this feeling of closer,
safetly, and loving.
"Waking the neighbors unfamiliar faces,
he bleed and he cries but hes only denied."

Dry your tears love, noone wants to see you hurt no more.

Babe dont worry your little head,
theres noone i want more than you right now.
She doesnt have a chance, babe,
all i want is you right now.
I really like you, like alot hunn,
6 monthes, and still counting,
thats how long i've been waiting.
Now that i've finaly got you, you can't honestly think
that i would throw this all away for her, or anyone.
Because i wouldn't babe, i'm in too deep and can't get out.
I couldn't leave you if i wanted.
I wouldn't want to.
We wont be seventeen forever.

i dont mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?

as realization finally hits in,
i slowly start to begin.
begin to understand everything,
all the lies,
all my cries.
so with this gun held to my head
i pull the trigger,
and slowly fall to my bed.
i hope you understand what you did,
you better be sorry for what you did.
you broke my heart,
and tore it apart.
'know what they say,
all the king's horses, and all the king's men,
couldn't put Humpty together again.
you said it yourself, frail as a pin.
you said it yourself, don't know where to begin.
i'm your Humpty,
put me back together again?

dont let me get me, i'm a hazzard to myself.

i don't know what to think, i'm lost whenever i'm with you.
those mixed signals, i don't know how long i can take it.
you make me think you want me,
you bury your face in my shoulder.
you write about deja vu, about her.
is that all i am?
a deja vu of your perfect time with her.
a re-run of your favourite TV show?
good, but never as good as the first time 'round.
maybe its a good thing the sun has faded,
you can't tell if its a tear running down my nose,
or just your imagination.
and i can't see the pained look on your face,
remembering all the better times you had with her.

hurry up and wait for me baby.

Arms wrapped around tightly like cuckoons,
protecting loved ones, or just keeping them close.
i must be dreaming.
With a swift kiss, and a low chuckle,
i promise to stay here in this loving bliss.
i must be dreaming.
Smooth hands, cold palms,
hold me down dont let me leave.
i can't be dreaming.
Out the window, and down the road.
sneaking home, peeking back, you have to still be there.
Please don't let me be dreaming.

strip down all your layers to find the truth.

You don't know what it does to me,
pretending to be nice, talking to me.
Just being there at all.
My goal was to just...stop everything.
Stop talking to you, stop flirting with you,
Stop liking you all together.
The fact that you still sit there beside me,
still talk to me, and still care.
All of it, its just breaking me inside.
The way you do that thing you do
to show me you want me,
Just the way you did that night.
That horrible, gorgeous night that ruined everything.
When you look me in the eyes,
inside i'm just screaming 'she must want me, she must care'.
Its the hardest thing in the world to tell myself its all a lie,
To just sit there and force my hands not to grab yours.
You doen't know it, but that's the hardest thing in the world for me.
Your hair, your eyes,
your whole divine,
when i get so hypnotized.
You made me laugh, you made me cry,
but i guess that's what i'll have to buy.
You're hands and mine when they're entwined.

and i fell into pieces, and she fell into me.

They'res this girl i know,
and shes the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
She doesn't even know the definition of ugly.
I love being with her,
she knows how to make me smile,
and is always here with me,
through laughter to tears.
Worst thing 'bout it,
is no matter what, wherever we are,
every single boy you see,
doesn't, couldn't even notice me.
Every eye would die to catch hers,
those gorgeous hazel eyes.
The way the sun catches in her hair,
I know i'm lucky to have her as my bestie,
but it would be even better to be her.
She doesn't understand mow much that hurts,
she allready has someone to love her-always has.
No matter what, she just can't get it,
The way that hurts, always being alone.
Seeing her with that precious boy of hers.
I just wish i had someone to love me in return.

your probubly hanging out, and making nights.

Don't you get it?
Jigs up, everyone -myself includes-
knows what was really going on.
You never had any feelings for me,
It was nothing but pity.
You can stop pretending to be nice to me now,
I really wouldn't mind.
It would actually help me through this,
allot more than whatever it is your doing now.
Not only do i have to see you with her,
but every single day.
Believe me, pretending to be nice,
hurts more than your pity.

Its obvious you never wanted me, i was nothing but pitty.

I know what I've been missing.
I miss me.
And i finally realise that its not good enough for you.

Babe, dont worry, they're only tears. I'll shed more.

As i'm writing about the things you've done,
the tears just wont stop flowing.
I wish that you could understand how important you are to me,
or even how much this hurts, and rips and tears at my heart.
Seeing a smile light up on your face every time she comes around.
But that's exactly it, you know how i feel,
you know exactly how much this hurts.
All because of her.
Shes the reason i'm worth a dime in your books.
The reason you tried to make me feel better,
tried to make this better.
Too bad you were wrong.
I'm nothing like her, that's why i'm not good enough.
Even for that short week,
i was so sure that you might possibly of had the same feelings,
even only slightly the same emotions for me.
Too bad i was wrong.
I was sure that watching movies in your basement,
talking about all the random things,
that to anybody else would have meant nothing,
Meant something to you, because they sure as hell meant more
than something to me.
I read your words about her, her perfect blue eyes,
and the long gorgeous blond hair.
Don't worry, that's only the complete opposite of me.
You mentioned how she
told you to give that other girl a try.
Give me a try.
All you said was how that other girl -me-
tried, but wasn't the same.
Doesn't have the same body.
Sorry i'm not thin enough.
Doesn't have the same thoughts, or voice.
Sorry i'm not good enough.
I know that i'm not her, not in the least.
But despite all of that, i just wish
you would be willing to give it a try.
Give me a try.
And i can live without you,
but without you i'll be living miserable at best.

don't leave me to drown.

I'm alone in the middle of the ocean,
drowning in my own thoughts.
Pleading to find a life raft, any kind of savour.
She doesn't realize it, but for the past while,
she was my life raft, keeping me from drowning.
I was so close to land, to being safe from the world.
Until she got up and left,
left me alone as the biggest wave came crashing through.
I don't know if I'll be able to make it this time,
now that shes no longer here with me.
I crave the feeling of her hand clenched to mine,
the warmth of her arm around me, keeping me safe.
Her lips crashing upon mine,
it all felt so right- so natural.
Like we didn't even have to try,
it just all worked out perfectly.
Turns out i was right, there is no such thing
as 'happily ever after'.
Just the perfect feeling of being together.
I miss you.

broken hearts never die.

I hate the way you always know what to say,
and make it better.
How no matter what, you will always be there in my life,
but too far away to mean anything.
Just enough to prove nothing but pain.
I hate all these emotions, and feelings that i cant escape,
are all meant for you, but no matter what,
will never be returned.
I hate that everything i dreamed of, you save for her.
Even though she's not the one wasting her nights.
Crying to be noticed.
Dieing for you to notice.
But babe, i could never hate you,
just the way you tried to make this all better,
and only made it worse.
I thought in the end, it couldn't be worse than before
this all happened.
Believe me, i was wrong, very wrong.
A broken heart is worse than a dumb one.

once upon a time...

THE BEGINNING...