You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You'll be in my heart, Always.

This house isn't my home, these people aren't my family.
I walk solemnly through these halls watching them
as if through a TV screen. This isn't my favourite show,
but i'll watch it anyways, as if i have a choice, though.
This isn't my favourite show, but i'll watch so intently to the point
where i almost believe its real. But its nothing more than a show.
Father reading to son, my favourite book that once upon a time
was read to me before bed.
A mother playing with her child, talking to her as if she understands
what the words mean. I turn my head on the world,
i turn my back on this house. I don't want to be here,
i would kill to get out just for a night, just to be alone.
And yet that's the one thing i cant stand. Alone.
Leaving me too my own thoughts, its a horrible feeling,
so small, and lonely, its the only thing i want, but i'm sure
once i have it, i'll be first in line to have it off my back.
Funny how every girl says they will never be "That girl".
The one that finds that one boy, and will never see a friend again,
and yet 98% percent of the female population becomes that girl.
Pathetic how these mood swings go through me like sugar through
a 4 year old. I'll be... almost happy,
and the smallest of things can happen,
and its all down hill after that. Within a matter of minutes
i'll be on the break of tears, and wont even know why.
Its pathetic.
These nails plastered onto my fingers, fake. Like everyone, and thing
else in the teenage population. You cant cross the damned street
without a label being thrown at you. I'm starting to hate
this life all over again. Its all fake,
and yet its the only things keeping us sane.
Anything to hide from, anything at all is good enough.
Its disgusting the reasons people have for fighting these days.
Jealousy, the biggest of the bunch.
Its even more pathetic than myself.
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
'Cause you have that effect on me, you do

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okayAnd I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine

And then a hero comes along, With the strength to carry on.

That beautiful girl i once knew ate a
poisoned apple and turned into the witch.
Her bright eyes faded into the night, and are cold as stone,
she trusts no one but herself, and even that i'm unsure of.
Rumors rule her life, there's no editing, proof reading, nothing.
This fairy tail story i was so sure of faded into a very dark,
and cold place. Too many lies to count, promises broken,
or kept. Depending on who, or when you're taking about.
Sure its still a bit of a fairy tale, but it turned from Sleeping Beauty,
to Romeo and Juliet.
Although i'm sure my death will be of a different story.
And no one will be there to save me, or to die too,
then again i'd rather not be the cause of an innocent death.
Besides, anyone that matters will be too busy waiting for someone
else to notice.

She doesn't deserve to be in a place like this,all alone,Shes underage and so very very brave.

Moments like this there's nothing i want more than to go back in time, even for a short hour or so. I'd do just about anything to be back there in the safety of blankets and bodies. Of course, as i attempt to open the door, its locked, to my advantage, or disadvantage? I could head back, come back later in the morning. Honestly, its obvious my warm bed-alone-is going to be much colder than an actually cold bed with someone you there to warm you up.

You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade.

Early January, and yet i'm walking home in the cold, all to avoid
someone i shouldn't. Funny how for once there's no clouds in the sky,
probably because they're all inside my head fogging everything up.
Later that night i'm sitting in a circle of people
that i should be thrilled to be with, but i'm not.
The only person i want to be with lately
doesn't want me, so i thought.
Even though, eventually that special someone rolls up
with perfect timing, i'm leaning up against L. which
immediately leads to an awkward "hey", and nothing else.
So finally shes here, and i can't stand it,
the distance between us, the awkward silence,
especially considering i cant tell if shes just being quiet,
or really wants to be somewhere else.
I want to talk, but the words wont come,
i don't even know that they were, but they sure as
hell weren't coming out any time soon. So i sat there
with this pained look on my face i'm sure,
thinking about every little detail of the past few days.
It all looked the same, dark.
What if i had been facing the wall like the past 2 hours?
Would she have realised how wrong it all was? Would she have left?
Laying in bed with K. and E., suddenly the
cloud of confusion either fades away,
or grows darker, i couldn't really tell. She sits on
the edge of the bed, as far away as physically possible, and yet
i still feel the warmth that comes with her. Just now
i realise how long it has been gone,
much longer than i thought it was.
At least i've finally realised why the cold i feel
has nothing to do with the winter nights. The body heat
coming from this frail body is less than enough
to keep the shaking away. So we talked, and you held me tight,
hoping to stop the things already in my mind i'm sure.
Long story short, i got my birthday wish this year.
By the end of the long day i'm standing in a steaming shower,
and notice the water pouring down a mark on my bare skin.
Its a shame, really. Nail marks sketched into my skin, inflected by myself,
lines down my naked legs from too small jeans, that i still
refuse to throw away, and the scars burned into my wrist.
At least the blue line of veins is starting to reappear,
they're faint, but they're more than a memory now.
The smoothness of my skin is gone now too though,
then again so is the blood.

Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner,Now everything's cool as long as I’m getting thinner.

You know that feeling you get in your gut,
that feels like butterflies, but isn't? That's what i have,
that's what i always have. Well, only when i eat.
No wonder why though, its this little craving inside of me,
the voice in the back of my head.
I noticed today that i've lost 3 pounds in the past couple days,
and believe me, i was excited. that is up until i realised
i'm still at least 10 away from my goal. Pathetic little girl.
Long story short, i didn't do it, i figured i owed her that much.
I...attempted to make a promise, and honestly,
she deserves that i at least keep part of it.
Especially considering it took me less than
20 minutes to fuck up the other half of this promise.
I promise i'm trying, but who knows how well that'll go.
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And do you honestly expect me to believe, that we could ever be the same.

Note to the editor, the editor being the only person who cares,
excuse me, cared. Funny how i knew this was coming,
so i've had that line in my head for the past week.
Up until yesterday morning when i actually
realised what it all meant. So it happened,
like i knew it would, and i did things i knew i would
regret at some point. But not now.
So note to the editor, i'd advise you not to read
from this point on, because believe me, its not your type of story.
I'm so sorry for the honest truth,
and i'm so sorry for shaking in your arms,
and for making you hold back on what you truly wanted to do.
But honestly, i don't blame you for doing it.
I still want you, more than you could imagine,
and right now considering the state i'm in, i should
probably want you to hurt more than the burning slits
on my wrist do. But i don't, i want you to smile,
to be happy. To go on with your life like
you were before i ever came and ruined it.
After what i put you through it was completely understandable.
And when your fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you,
you're gunna believe 'em.
Even when i'm thirty, i'm still gunna beleive it though.

'Cause when your 15, and somebody tell you they love you, you're gunna believe 'em.

sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM: well॥one day late sent 1/10/2009 9:23 AM:
Happy birthday...
ѕнαєℓєєєℓιzαвєтн++♥ says (6:16 PM):
Gee thanks


Ya know what, fuck you, do you not know how to pick up a phone?
Sorry, but you don't get the fucking option of being a friend.
Your supposed to be my dad. But your not.
Too fucking bad your not "prepared" for this,
you've had nearly 16 fucking years to prepare your self.
Time well waisted.
Do you not have a fucking clue? Probably about half on my childhood,
most likely more was ruined because of everything you put me through.
I'm sick of waiting for you to fucking care. To fucking come back
into my life.
Fuck wasting too many tears to count on you. Except,
ya know that's what i've been saying the past three years.

Hey, Stripper! I wanna be your mister.

Gee thanks,
Happy fucking birthday ass hole.

99 red balloons go by

tonight my lungs are hanging from a telephone wire.

They bring you up to do like your daddy done, Me and Mary we met in high school, when she was just seventeen.

January 7/2009 10:48pm

Nights like these i just want to kill myself. Baby's screams in the background- except, ya know, the baby monitor is barely 5 fucking ft away. So its more like baby screaming in my ear. Adding the horrible pounding feeling you get when a bad headache gets worse.
Hating my life. Hating my friends. Hating my family.
Obviously i'm not wanted anywhere, especially not here. We fight about the fucking dumbest shit. I got yelled at for going to school today. For fucking going to school. I feel useless, abandoned, pathetic. Failing at one of the few things I like to do. Getting yelled at for not knowing how to do fucking shit. Well i'm sorry i never learned. Sorry no one ever took the fucking time to lend 30 seconds to teach me. So fucking sorry i wasn't the perfect baby, perfect teenager, perfect person in general. Never was. Always fucking failing everything. I'm pretty sure i've never been the best at anything either. No, i know i haven't.
Sorry.

Me and my heart we got issues. Don't know if i should hate you, or miss you.

I feel like i'm in too deep, like i feel that i need this more than i really do. That i need this more than anyone else would. I crave it. Not that i'm not having the feelings returned, but... i don't know. I just feel like a little puppy, who refuses to be alone. The way i always want to be near you, to talk to you, just to have some sort of contact. Its pathetic. The way you're always on my mind. Or its like i'm lost at sea, and the only thing on my mind is getting home, except its not exactly home i'm thinking of. Well, in a way you are like home, depending on what exactly you consider home, not the place you live, but a place that you know you're safe. You're the closure and safety, the warm fireplace and white picket fence i've always dreamed off. The things that the girl always gets in those movies, but never in reality. Turns out i do get a bit of a happily every after, for the time being. But, even though i know how you feel, i still don't believe it, i still cant help thinking that i'm in this more than i should be. I can't help but worrying about the worst, the worst things possible, of course that's what i think, but still deny. They're there in my mind, but i'm trying hard to think otherwise. I know that your not like that, that you wouldn't be the kinda of person to do that, but its hard. Hard after one too many broken promises.

So since I'm not your everything, How about I'll be nothing? Nothing at all to you.

smiles aren't fabricated, they are real,
just hard to find behind all the layers of sadness.
and love isn't impossible to find when still surrounded by happiness.

you haven't let your sun burn out,
but the dark is fading to black.
you haven't lost your will, but soon enough
you'll loose your grip on life.
and when you do promise you wont forget about me,
forget that promise i made, forget the promise i made you make.
just promise me you wont.

So go ahead and get gone,Call up that chick, and see if shes home,Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know.

2009.
lets make it good.
lets not let our emotions take over,
and fuck up our lives.
lets not ruin friendships, lives, and love.
lets not forget our pasts,
and the friends we once cherished.
lets just make it worth the while.